Copyright, Paul Stewart. May be downloaded, duplicated and read out loud by anyone seriously considering production. Can not be performed without written permission.

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

OPENING MONOLOGUES

The stage is dark. Gradually we begin to hear the muted sounds of a family at dinner. Lots of adlibbed casual conversation. They're having a good time.

When the Furlong family gets together it becomes a family ritual to tell stories. Occasionally they role- play to enhance the narrative of a given story. Various accents and animated gestures can be used that are not listed in the stage direction.

(Unless it is very obvious they are kidding; every story is an event that really did happen to them.)

In the shadows a figure stands up and taps his spoon against a glass. Then a spotlight appears on NICK FURLONG. Nick is 26, tall, lean and quite handsome. He looks and usually dresses as if just escaped from a cologne advertisement.

Once an athlete of some distinction, he carries himself with a grace and freedom that can light up a room. Nick is now a successful retail manager.

Although Nick is not an intellectual, some of the sophistication he has been surrounded by has accidentally worn off on him.

NICK

STORY TIME, STORY TIME!...Alright, alright, I'll tell you...Last time I came back here to see you folks, my wife was off visiting her mother. And her mother is a hunchback, anyway. The buddies I grew up with took off bowling that night. I told them if you keep going bowling that's how you'll become an old hunchback out mowing your lawn on Sunday.

So I got drunk and went into this night club...I no sooner walk into this nightclub and this goofy lookin' guy gives me a goofy lookin' look. So I give him a dirty sneer. Then he gives me, Nick Furlong, a dirty sneer. So I wind back to smash him in the face...right, well, he winds back too!...It was at that moment I realized I was looking into this huge full length mirror! A goddamn mirror!

(pause)

I learned that often in life we look at each other when we're actually looking at ourselves... Growing up in the security of this suburb, loving parents, a little brother I could beat up anytime I wanted...I never really had to look at myself, until that night. Thank you.

Nick bows quickly then sits back down. His grandfather EDDIE FURLONG rises and takes Nick's spot. Grampa is a high spirited old cowboy in his late 80s. His health and alertness are exceptional. His look and swagger suggest a cowboy who only retired because he was forced to.

Grampa's clothes are always neat and clean, but look almost as old as he is. He began school in 1900 and he has kept busy and gotten in and out of trouble the entire 20th century. He has been a soldier, a gambler, a lumberjack and a professional writer. But he has decided his final years would be spent as a video enthusiast.

From 1940 to the early '50s, Grampa was the author of a string of pulp western novels. He is an excellent storyteller.

GRAMPA

Well, kids we didn't grow up in "neighborhoods" like a bunch of sissies in my day. I was born in 1895. And we-

NICK

Hey, gramps how miles did you have to walk to school?!

GRAMPA

Oh, it was only a mile. But it was uphill and I was barefoot, had to carry books, a lunch, my chalkboard - over big rocks. One day it started snowing like the devil. I said "screw this" turned around and never went back. Ya smart ass!

(quick sneer at Nick)

Truth is when I was 'bout your age I was workin' up in Montana as a lumberjack. Word got around I had the best eyesight and the fastest hands. Through the trees, the wind howled my name. It was Uncle Sam calling me to war. Next thing you know I find myself sailing over Germany, the World War below me. But it was quiet that night. Silent, save for the drone of my Sopwith Pup. As sophisticated as wings were in 1918. Lost and alone I blindly stabbed through the motionless black. Suddenly the dark cloud parted and they were upon me! A squadron of German fighters!

In a flash bullets filled the

air. I winced and dove low...

Fritzi landed a shot to my fuel line. I was thrown in a tailspin and ow, I was going down in a glow of smoke and fire. Ya know, like a scene in one a those "Star Wars" pictures. I fell to Earth in flames...After the impact I broke away and rolled in the snow to extinguish my burning flightsuit...My mouth was in agony. I discovered my front teeth were gone! Not only were my teeth knocked out, but I got my eyebrows blown off!...

They never grew back. Well when it was all over people would ask me, "Eddie, what happened to your eyebrows?" And I'd say:

(covering his teeth

with his lips)

"Da goo bloo offf!" It wasn't long till Uncle Sam set me up with false teeth. But the bejesus if they ever expected to set me up with false eyebrows. What in the bejesus are eyebrows used for anyway, it's been 64 years!

Grampa sits back down and his other grandson stands. ELIOT FURLONG is 24, short, wears thick glasses and could be described as "dumpy." He has a spare tire. (The actor playing him should wear padding around his waist under his sweater for the first two acts.)

Eliot also stutters a tiny bit. Although he is very well educated, (he just received his M.S.) he often acts unsure of himself. A strong contrast to his older brother.

Eliot dresses like and has a few "Preppie" characteristics. But under it all he can be as occasionally zany as the rest of the Furlongs.

ELIOT

Can I talk about Christmas time? I was in my first year of college, luckily the draft had recently been abolished because I, I was slow. The college, not too far from here, was called Stanford. Unattractive, unpopular and utterly terrified of failing my finals, I couldn't ignore the necessity of the season. I soon found myself edging upward on a escalator belonging to J.C. Penny. While sinking in self pity, I climbed towards sporting goods. Then he passed me. A man in old clothes, tightly clutching a couple of gift-wrapped packages. It occurred to me that he was perhaps the loneliest man I'd ever witnessed. Part of his jaw was missing and his nose was cruelly slid to one side of his face. Well, in sight of true misfortune, my arrogance diminished and I approached my studies with renewed vigor.

So whenever I feel higher education is attempting to swallow me, I need only think about a glimpse of a little ugly, disgusting man going somewhere on an escalator - appliances, man's wear, stationery supplies - somewhere, where he isn't wanted.

Eliot takes his seat and his mother RITA FURLONG stands. She is 46 and is aging well. She is an attractive women who dresses colorfully and always looks sharp. Rita is bond by high morals and old fashion ideals that made her life a pleasure cruise, but are now turning it into a wreck.

A 1950s mother and bride by age 20. Although she never finished college, she always excelled at volunteer jobs. A few years ago (1978) she found her first paying job as an office worker at a tiny video game company.

Now the company is huge and she's risen to a personal director. She's discovered a new exciting life, while her husband's career is waning and he has grown cold.

Yet Rita is one to make the best of the most impossible situations. She remains almost constantly cheerful, inspite of herself.

RITA

Oh, you men. Now I grew up on a farm, and we grew everything. The place was filled with grace, it seemed to spring out of a colorful picture postcard. The Great Depression was only a minor nuisance. All was so peaceful until one day...My brother got a dartboard for his birthday and he decided he was a jungle warrior from Zimbuda. Well, one morning I awoke to the sounds of tribal battle cries! My brother had smeared lipstick and shoe polish all over his face. And he held a dart in his hand! Then he beat his chest and said "UMGA MOO MOO CHUKA!" I made a dive for the door. But he sprang over my bed - I froze.

(miming a dart thrower)

"Don't move." He said in English.

"What ever you do, don't move."

So I didn't twitch and he threw the dart anyway! It struck me in the neck! I ran screaming down the hall! He yelled "sorry, I thought you were gonna move!"

At the time my parents were taking a walk in the orchard. My brother knew he would receive a spanking if I didn't survive, so he scrambled out the back door to get their help. When I reached the bathroom I was lucky to find the dull dart had only nicked me; and tissue stopped what little blood there was. However, in his mad rush my brother hadn't noticed he'd slammed the back door on our golden retriever! The poor dog had been waiting to be let in. And the tip of his tail was sliced off! From the pain our pet started running around inside, wildly waving his stumped tail...Well, canine blood was splattered across the house. On the furniture and all over our white hallway. A few minutes later my brother brought our folks back inside while I was patching up the dog in the bathroom. Naturally they thought my jugular vein had been punctured...And well, you can imagine their reaction.

Rita story gets a favorable response from the others. She sits back down and her husband, WALTER FURLONG rises. Walt is a simple, but knowledgeable looking man of 48.

His wardrobe is that of a public high school teacher. A job he held for 25 years. Walt is a little behind in style. (Peek into the faculty section of any late '70s high school year book you will probably find a picture of Mr. Furlong. A middle aged man in loud polyester, but nothing too corny or disco looking.

Diversification in character is a trademark of his. He can be distant one moment and direct the next. Unlike his father, Walt has always basically been a responsible person, but part of him never grew up. Lately Walt has been faced with events that demand he be focused more often and instead he has withdrawn further. Although entertaining, he is the only Furlong who has no talent as a story teller.

WALTER

Aw, the 1930s swallowed your

gramps and I up, then spit us out!

(a bad job of looking tough)

Yeah, their was a little conflict going on in Korea and one day Uncle Sam came knocking on my door.

GRAMPA

He had the wrong house!

(other's laugh)

WALTER

Did I ever tell you all about my first day at boot camp?

ELIOT

A hundred times.

WALTER

And my drill sergeant?! Now let me tell you Sarge looked like a Greek God with a sandpaper head. His arms were tree trunks and his gaze was lethal. I mean the man was cast out of iron! Then I heard him speak. You see when Sarge was born they used a pair of forceps and he ended up with a lisp!

(loud drill sergeant

with a deep voiced lisp)

"Menth, ten hupth! Do you babieth have what it takes to be soldierth?!" Good God it was hilarious and frightening. I tried not to chuckle...

"Ith thomone laughing at me?"

"WHATTH YOUR NAME?!"

"FURLONG, WALTER, SIR."

"TELL UTH WHATH THO AMUSTHING?!"

I got so scared that I wet my pants...Well, after it was all over, I became a teacher. I didn't think about Sergeant Wilcox. Until one day I was taking roll for a brand new class - and there was the name. "WILCOX...?" I called out. Then from the back of the room I hear. "YEATH, THIR!" This huge 14 year old stands up with a shaved head. So I ask "do you have a father who's a drill sergeant?" "Yeahth" he says,

"Just Whath tho funny about thath?!

End of monologues and end of spot light. Full set lights come up. Walter bursts out in laughter at his corny story, as he sits back down. The rest of the family boos him in a loving way.

They continue to enjoy dinner. It is the month of June and is still light outside. And it is warm. The lighting should reflect this until towards the end of the scene as the sun sets.

The dining area is to stage right. The rest of the set is for the most part, the living room. The house is attractive and comfortable looking. It is a single story middle class home in a well-kept neighborhood.

(See illustration.)

Up center stage is a couch and a couple of easy chairs. Far to stage left is the front door and beside it, the front window. Down stage right is the hallway entrance that leads to the bedrooms. Along the back wall near the hallway is a color TV, VRC and video game unit. Next to the TV area, along the back wall is a desk. On the desk is a typewriter and piles of paper.

The walls of the house are covered with shelves of books, lots of books. And there are a number of western artifacts decorating the house; such as steer horns, old photographs, antique pistols and a cowboy hat.

To the back of stage right is the kitchen entrance, which leads to the back door.

It should be noted that stage direction determining a character's reaction - concern, remorse, or laughter - isn't always indicated. At times all the characters are involved in the action in the forefront, other times one or more may not be paying attention at all.

NICK

I love "story time." Maybe one day, Grampy I'll write me a book like you did Grampy.

ELIOT

Nick, you might want to learn to read first.

NICK

Never stopped Grampy from getting published. Dad can't get nobody to buy one a his books, and he gets paid for teaching kids how to read.

WALTER

Nick, my high school students already can read! You were the exception. story...

RITA

(lisp)

Walter, thath my favorith thory.

WALTER

Yes, Rita, so help me, it's true.

NICK

Oh, Bull! Dad, you couldn't even make it in the reserves. The only truth to that story is you peed in your pants.

ELIOT

That's right, Pop.

WALTER

No one calls their dad "pop" anymore.

NICK

Okay, Pappy...Paw, how come with I come a home early from a fishin' you was wearin' one a Maw's dressed round the house?

GRAMPA

Who's hiding the corn on the cob?

RITA

Grampy, put your teeth back in your mouth before you eat corn on the cob.

NICK

Gramps, 'member the time Eliot grew an eyebrow?

ELIOT

Oh, shut up

NICK

Grew a tiny eyebrow above his upper lip. Called it a mustache.

The door bell rings. Nick spurts up and crosses to answers it, no one is there.

NICK

(looking around)

Hey, no one's there!

(high voice)

WHO RANG THAT BELL!

RITA

It's the Monroe twins play doorbell ditch.

Nick shuts the door and walks back to the table.

WALTER

They used to be the Monroe triplets till I caught one stealing my hedge trimmers.

RITA

That's the only change we've had around here, fewer kids.

NICK

Well, I'm glad to be home, if only for a few days.

Gradually they each rise and move to the couch or a chair, relaxing after a good meal. Grampa whacks Eliot on the back.

GRAMPA

Dog, it's good to have you two boys back home.

ELIOT

It's good to be home...from school.

NICK

Little brother, that's quite remarkable that you just up and graduated college. I didn't even finish high school.

WALTER

Yeah, particularly when your own "Pop" was one of your teachers. I never heard of such a thing. Rita, have you ever heard of such a thing?

RITA

Never, but he was such a cute kid.

NICK

Yeah, you don't learn retail in no school. Down in LA I'm making money enough, in retail.

GRAMPA

Money is nothing. I was rich once. When you look back you'll find it's only the moment that is significant.

Eliot picks up a left over piece of food off the table and nibbles on it. Nick makes a pig noise at him.

GRAMPA

Eliot, didn't you already graduate college once a couple years ago?

ELIOT

(talking with mouthful)

Well, Grampy, this time I got a Master's degree. In cellular and industrial chemistry.

RITA

When will you hear from all the medical school's you've applied to dear?

ELIOT

Any day now, any minute.

GRAMPA

Yeah, moments and seconds.

WALTER

(puts arm around his Dad)

What's that Pop?

GRAMPA

You see Walt, thoughts, feelings, dreams are not measured by months, days or years...But by minutes, instants!

RITA

That remark was in one of your novels, wasn't it?

WALTER

That silly hypothesis found it's way into all his pulp adventures.

GRAMPA

Me? When did I get lyrical in one a my dime western novels?

It was so long ago.

NICK

When? Aw hell, copyright 1940, "The Shadow Canyon Gang." Introducing "Brent Havoc" - cowboy.

Nick stands and struts, mimicking a tobacco chewing gunslinger.

NICK

It was hot. The trail was scorched by the flaming midday sun...Moments and seconds divided the lonely hours.

GRAMPA

Ah, yes...The heat waves, they shimmered and danced along the canyon walls, like the spirits of dead warriors...Suddenly above the pass, alone rider appeared.

NICK

Breat Havoc drew up. His horse was lame, his mouth was dry and his canteen had a bullet hole in it.

WALTER

(joining in)

He knew that soon the Dark Riders would be upon him. The band of thieves that had murdered Betsy Sue. He clutched his pistol.

RITA

(frontier women)

Don't go, Brent! Brent, the Dark Riders are approaching!

Eliot begins to lumber about like John Wayne ready to outdraw Nick.

ELIOT

This canyon t'aint big enough for the both of us, Jack Trenton. It barley fits me. His mouth was so dry as he spoke he felt his tongue would crack off and fall out of his mouth...

NICK

His tongue broke off and hit the ground. Then a lizard ran off with it. He looked at Trenton and said...Well, if he still coulda talked, he woulda said he wisht he had a thirty-two ounce Big Gulp.

GRAMPA

Naw, a Thirst Buster-forty four.

NICK

OK.

(to Eliot)

You ready to go, Dumpy?

ELIOT

(waiving car keys)

Yeah...Let's take my Mustang. Just over the ridge, we'll hold up the Circle K.

NICK

(to parents)

Dumpy and me are gonna go to the store and by then it will be time to puck up Melinda at her aunt's house.

ELIOT

Good, she can sit on my lap.

NICK

Hey, that's my wife, Dumpy.

While Walter and Rita are facing the other way, Nick throws a wadded napkin and hits his dad in the back of the head. Nick turns and stares the other direction. Walter turns and blames Eliot.

WALTER

Eliot, why'd you do that?

ELIOT

Nick did it!

Nick turns and looks so innocent we almost believe he didn't do it.

NICK

Really, Dad, you know I didn't. Let's get going Dumpy.

ELIOT

(sighs)

Alright. And Mom, will you stop calling me Dumpy!

RITA

(groans)

Nick, you're 26 years old. Can you refrain from calling your brother Dumpy? Twenty years is an awful long time to use the same nickname.

NICK

Aw...Hey, Grampy, wanna go for a ride with us?

Grampa doesn't answer, he has fallen asleep in his chair.

ELIOT

Grampy?

WALTER

He's dozed off again.

RITA

He drops off everywhere. Walter he's doing it more.

WALTER

HEY EDDIE!

Grampa opens his eyes and speaks as if he hasn't been asleep.

GRAMPA

Stop yelling?

NICK

(old man's voice)

Gramps, wanna go for a ride with us young whippersnappers?

GRAMPA

(rising)

Sure. But don't be a smart ass.

They begin to leave. Grampa puts on his cowboy hat.

RITA

And boys, pick up some tonic water.

Grampa begins to sing; Nick and Eliot join in as the three exit out the front door. We continue to hear them singing after they are outside until it fades away.

GRAMPA

Mademoisella from Armentiers,

Parlez-vous. Mademouisella from

Armentiers, Parlez-vous. Mademoisella

from Armentiers, she hasn't been kissed

in 40 years, hinky-dinky parlezvous.

Walter and Rita start to clear the table, walking in and out of the kitchen. Now that they are alone we notice a distance between them.

RITA

Nice to the boys all together.

NICK

(ignoring her)

Dad hasn't had a book published in over 30 years. We still talk about Brent Havoc, like there was ever such a cowboy.

Walter picks up a vase and presents it to his wife.

WALTER

Here, this is your award - 1982, best imitation of a happy house wife.

RITA

Oh, we've had plenty of practice with your father living here.

WALTER

One would swear that we're still in love.

RITA

I do still love you.

WALTER

Brent Havoc loved his Stallion, but in the end he had to shoot it...through the head.

As he talks Walter picks up a serving platter from the table, carries it into the kitchen, then unconsciously brings it back and sets it on the table. He repeats this.

RITA

Did you tell the boys you lost your job?

WALTER

No, I simply told them the high school closed. Schools are closing right and left these days, actually.

RITA

Well, as long as I bring home a paycheck these days actually.

WALTER

If our dull-witted kids can't realize I'm unemployed, when the high school, built on the same block of this very house, slams it's doors after a generation,

I doubt it would occur to

them that we're getting a d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

RITA

I never said we were getting one of those. I only said that I've thought about leaving you.

(snatches platter from him)

It would take weeks before you noticed I was gone!

WALTER

Then LEAVE! You're making more money now then I ever did.

RITA

I can't just "LEAVE!" It would break Grampa's heart to see us split up. And I certainly don't want to hurt you. And besides I have to support us now.

WALTER

Oh, do you? My father-

RITA

Grampa gambled all his money away...Lord knows you've provided for me, Walter Furlong. Since I was 20 years old. I simply can't afford this and also have my own condominium. I one with high ceilings and a view that-

WALTER

Oh, spare me the rhetoric.

RITA

What did you give me for Christmas?

WALTER

A typewriter. Smith-Corona Classic 500 with multiple cartridges.

RITA

And who uses it? Who won't even let me use it?

WALTER

Well, I do but...

RITA

And our anniversary. You disappeared for the whole weekend to some pretentious publishers' convention. Everytime we're supposed to go away for the weekend, I find you next door watching baseball after you've slept in your clothes...Brent Havoc paid more attention to his outlaws than you do me.

Walter begins to snap back with a line. He realizes he has nothing to say, so he sighs instead. Pause.

WALTER

Rita, whom is going to hire a middle aged English lit teacher.

RITA

The school district has got to find you something.

WALTER

Closed schools...budget cuts...

RITA

Dear, it's summer. You write novels all summer long. Even in college, you never worked summers.

He walks over to his desk and examines looks papers.

WALTER

Back then no one told me I'd be able to insulate the attic with wadded up rejection slips...

(pause)

I sure fooled you back then.

RITA

(reminiscing)

Oh, Walt, when you sat down next to me in class. In your R.O.T.C. uniform, so dashing and that smile. You whispered to me that in your note book you'd written a best seller. But it was you that I wanted.

WALTER

You were a child in the big city. Soft rural eyes, pert fanny. But I don't remember impressing you until my short story won that national award....Well, I practically won.

RITA

You are constantly contradicting yourself.

WALTER

Why I am not!

RITA

Yes you are!

WALTER

I do not!

(contradicting himself)

Oh, I suppose you're right, sometimes I do...well, not that often, but...

RITA

(laughs, then imitates him)

Oh, spare me the rhetoric...You know you wouldn't have grown so distant if you didn't always ignore your wife.

Not listening, Walter crosses to the front window and looks outside.

RITA

Can't you see you have no regard for my feelings. Every time we...

WALTER

Look at the Volvo. I think the muffler is lose again.

RITA

I was going to say every time we try to talk, you change the subject! All you ever think and talk about is yourself!

WALTER

How can you say that? When I have find a new job. I must finish my new book. And guess who is going to have to crawl under the car?

RITA

You are so defensive! And Naive.

WALTER

I am not defensive! Who's naive?

RITA

I have certain desires. I'm changing, but you never hear me...Walt...?

(he doesn't answer)

Jesus! Do you know how vague you are?

WALTER

What?

RITA

What are you going to do with yourself?

WALTER

OK.

RITA

Talk to me. I realize you're under a lot of stress.

WALTER

Honey, people don't talk any more. You don't know what's going on.

RITA

Oh, I know very little about the world and what's going on. It just astounds me how many people know less than I do!

WALTER

Um...I've got to write that down.

Walter walks to his desk and scribbles in a note pad. Rita sighs loudly and shakes her head. Then we hear the back door open and the screen door snap closed. Through the kitchen entrance HERB JOHNSTON enters. Herb is middle aged. He is Walt's best friend and almost family to the Furlongs.

He is a joyful, witty man who laughs with an ear-

piercing howl; Herb is full of life despite his being confined to a wheel chair. He is a radio personally, so he has a resonate voice, full of character.

HERB

Evening, love birds. Could hear you fighting next door. Say, what does I.D.K. stand for?

RITA

I don't know. Are you hungry?

HERB

Thanks, I just ate.

WALTER

Herb, do you ever knock?

HERB

You said if I wasn't welcome you'd tear the ramp down.

WALTER

(sighs)

Did I tell you Nick and his wife will be here for the weekend? And it looks like Eliot's going to live back here until he gets accepted in medical school.

HERB

(rubbing it in)

My daughter's the same age, you know and she's already finished with med school.

RITA

(kidding)

Really, Herb, you have not mentioned that.

WALTER

(playing with Herb)

Here Jacquie grew up right next door and never once did we know that she was even in med school.

HERB

Any how, now that my Jacquie is interning over at Valley Med and she's back living with me, it'll be like old times, huh?...Guess

what? Look across the street Ray's finally taking the string of Christmas tree lights down off the front of his house!

Walter is surprised, like a child he rushes to the window and looks out.

WALTER

No? They've been up year round for eight years.

(he and Herb laugh)

Tomorrow, we go over and give him hell...I say late tonight we get one of my kids to hang the lights right back up!

(he and Herb laugh)

RITA

(fatigued)

You've picked on Ray forever. Can't you think of anything else better to do?

HERB

Come now you two. Remember what you would say whenever you'd hear my wife and I fighting?

WALTER

Herb, Esenhower is not the president any more. Back then there weren't any fences or bushes to block the noise. Ours are not the only two houses on the street anymore.

HERB

Yeah, remember before we had lawns? No tress; dirt and dust blowing all over the development.

WALTER

I first barbecue in a dust storm.

HERB

Out first cook out, ha! You hand Mary and I steaks covered with dirt. You had the gaul to claim it was only unground pepper...A new brown pepper, steaks covered with dirt!

Walter laughs, Herb howls about the past.

WALTER

You didn’t have to chase me. All the way into the cow pasture with a golf club, swinging it like a lunatic.

RITA

(reminiscing)

God, remember the pasture. That first year, when it was open all the way to the hills?

HERB

Well, now that the high school's closed maybe they'll turn it back into a cow pasture...They didn't call this the Silicon Valley back then, no sir...Anyhow I just dropped bye to say when my daughter gets off work, we'll drop bye to say hello. Ciao.

WALTER

Bye, lunatic.

HERB

(as he exits the back door)

So what does I.D.K. stand for?!

WALTER

I DON'T KNOW!

(to Rita)

He's been saying that on the radio all week, I don't get it.

RITA

(still reminiscing)

You two stagger back into our back yards, coated with mud and cow dung. You took back your power saw and set of wrenches. Forbidding me to talk to Mary as long as you two were feuding.

WALTER

At least you won't leave me the way Herb's wife did. Without warning.

Rita hugs Walter. They hold each other for a beat, warmly but not passionately.

HERB

Rita, what happened?

RITA

Well after Herb fell of the roof Mary just couldn't-

HERB

No, I mean the American Dream? Can you remember what those steaks cost back then? Neighborhoods just sprouted overnight in farmland. Right out of college we bought this house for a song. Now every body is singing another tune.

(pause)

RITA

Maybe this will be the summer you'll sell a novel. Your father was your age when he sold his first.

WALTER

Yes, but my father was also my age when he wrote his first.

Walter walks to his desk and picks up a tall stack of typed sheets of paper.

WALTER

You know what this one's about? A space colony. Fiction, yes, but not fantasy, mind you.

RITA

I suppose you're been to outer space?

WALTER

Do you know how much research I do? When I write, I'm there. My transport full of stale air, as I drift along the nameless freeways of the third moon.

RITA

Dear, I read most of it. Is is pretty good.

Enter through the front door, Eliot, Grampa, Nick and his wife MELIDA FURLONG. She is about 26 and very attractive. She has an all American sweetheart look about her. One of the reasons she was picked for her former job as a TV weather girl. Melinda is comfortable acting about half as dumb as she actually is.

Eliot is carrying her suitcase with one hand and a grocery bag in the other. Gramps and Nick each have a huge 44-ounce soft drink from a convenience store. Adlib greetings.

MELIINDA

You look great Mom and Dad Furlong. Sorry I had to take a different

Flight, my aunt picked me up at the airport. Don’t ask me how my

Flight was. (no one asks)

Alright, alright if you have to know, I’ll tell you. I was seated

next to this weasel in a three piece suit, right. He starts

gazing at me and twinkling, popping breath mints. You know like

in TV commercials where two people’s eyes meet on a 747 and they

decide to spend their vacations together because they have fresh

breath. Like, "Hi, I’m a rich male model, I work out, buy the best

clothes and she’s still ignoring me!" "Oh, switch your brand of

tooth paste, then she’ll notice you’re alive."…So this weasel

keeps asking me if I have a place to stay in San Francisco.

I coulda had horse breath and he wouldn’t have cared. Did I ask

to look like someone who gets gawked at? He just wouldn’t stop.

RITA (amused)

So what did you do?

MELINDA

He got up to go to the rest room, I stuck a wad of gum on his

seat. That shut him up. (beat) Did I miss dinner?

ELIOT

Had I been there I may well have punched him. Recently

I’ve begun to lift weights in the garage…Can you tell?

Melinda ignores Eliot and joins Rita in the kitchen.

NICK

Ha, the Pillsbury doughboy pumping weights?

Nick pokes Eliot’s belly with his finger, expecting him to giggle.

WALTER

Nick, if you pester your brother again, I’ll get out my rope.

GRAMPA

Where’s the rope? Yes, get out the rope.

Rita brings a tray of drinks and sets it on the table.

MELINDA

So, Rita, how's your job at that booming company, N. P. something?

RITA

North Pacific Cybernetics. Job is going real well, I love all the new challenges.

NICK

(puts arm around Rita)

Few years ago Mom gets a job answering the phone at a little local company that makes black and white video arcade games. Soon as she gets promoted to the PR department the place becomes a billion dollar company!

RITA

Thank you, but I think that has more to do with the home video game market.

GRAMPA

(holding up game cartridge)

This one is my favorite.

WALTER

Honey, did you have to bring that game home?

GRAMPA

Guess what it's called? "Obliteration of the Sun People."

NICK

I think Grampy was the first person in California to own a TV. Now he plays video games with this old man down the street. They gamble with their social security checks.

WALTER

The idiot box is bad enough, video games are decadent and asinine.

GRAMPA

Aw, son, I'm five years older than this century. I have hair in my ears and a film over my eyes. I need noise and colorfully flashy lights!

-28-

WALTER

Nonsense.

MELINDA

I agree, back when I was a weekend weather girl, I sure developed an attitude about the boob-tube.

GRAMPA

Aw, heck, Melinda, it's beyond me how I coulda lived over half my life before they started selling the damn things!

RITA

Does anyone else want a drink?

GRAMPA

I could use a shot of whiskey in this here super 7-up.

NICK

(smirks)

Hey, Eliot, got any of that good pot left? Or did you smoke it all?

ELIOT

I never-

WALTER

There will be no marijuana in this house! The time was I could conduct a class after lunch break without smelling that crap on students' breath.

(burn out student)

Wow, Mister Furlong. Like, man, I can't relate to this Ernest Hemingway, man, ha, fursure.

NICK

I was kidding. Aw, Pop.

WALTER

Don't "aw, Pop" me!

GRAMPA

Aw son.

WALTER

Don't "aw, son" me.

-29-

GRAMPA

Gotta live fast, live for the moment and die young. I simply forgot to die.

Grampa sips his drink, Nick waves around his beverage.

NICK

(to Eliot)

Hey guys, 'member the time Eliot bought us each a seven-up at the movie theater?

(no answer)

Alright, alright, I'll tell you. I'm coming down the aisle with a jumbo beverage in each hand, see. So Dumpy-Eliot sneaks up behind me and yanks my jogging pants down to my ankles, then disappears. So I'm stranded there, half naked! Can't pull my pants up 'cause my hands are full. Can't set the drinks down, 'cause the aisle is too steep!

MELINDA

(giggling)

So what'd you do?

NICK

I tried to hop back to my seat and I tripped! Spilling sticky seven-up all over a row of hoodlums...Late that night I limped into Eliot's room, tied him up with Dad's rope and I got out the soldering iron. I let the soldering iron heat up...

MELINDA

You didn't!

ELIOT

Yes he did. He started to solder my braces together.

Melinda laughs, then slips by Nick and gives him a big kiss.

MELINDA

Grampy, teach me to play what's it called..."Obliteration."

-30-

GRAMPA

Sure, it's as simple as the bejesus.

ELIOT

Yeah, I'll bet even a kid could learn to play.

Grampa and Melinda move to the TV area in the background. They set up the game and begin to play. The TV unit makes electronic war sounds. Eliot goes over to watch them play, but ends up watching Melinda from behind, he doesn't pay attention to the conversation upstage.

NICK

Mom, is he going to get into medical school this time?

RITA

He's a smart boy. Two degrees. That's how our savings were "obliterated." But he's so preoccupied.

They glance at Eliot.

NICK

His college is just down the freeway; he only made you put him up in the dorms so he'd get to meet more girls and learn more ways to be rejected.

RITA

(angry)

Nick! Some people have to deal with disappoint at least once in their life.

NICK

What? 'Member I wanted to be an actor and a rock star? I knew when to bag it and quit praying. Today I'm a district manager, you understand...Of course I still think I coulda sang in Los Vegas.

(very sincere bad singing)

Feelings, nothing more than feelings, waao, waao, waao feel...ings.

Nick begins to sing and do a dance step for a moment. He stops when Herb and his daughter JACQUIE JOHNSTON enter.

-31-

Jacquie is 25, and is dressed in doctor grab. She is remarkably sophisticated, but she prefers to act in a casual manner. Her academic record surpasses Eliot, but she is more out-going and less prudish than him.

Jacquie is a rather plain looking women, but she has her father's cheerful zest. Ad-lib greetings. Jacquie rushes up to Nick and gives him a big bear hug.

JACQUIE

Oh, Nick, you look great.

(shows name tag)

NICK

Jacquie Johnston M.D! Aren't you kinda young for a doctor?

JACQUIE

I'm only an intern. And I skipped a couple grades when no one was looking.

Jacquie smiles, then looks to see if Melinda is watching, then gives Nick a big smooch on his mouth. Nick is delighted to see her, but weary of her 15 year old desire to seduce him.

NICK

Aw, hell, Jacquie. All that studying since you was three years old, wasn't it exhausting?

JACQUIE

Not at all.

Jacquie pretends to collapse from exhaustion. She faints into Nick's arms.

HERB

Can you imagine, my kid's a first year resident? A Gaad damn doctor!

RITA

(giving Herb a bad time)

We didn't know that Herb.

WALTER

Yes, why didn't you tell us?

-32-

JACQUIE

People at the hospital see my name tag. Oh, I listen to Herb Johnston everyday, are you his daughter that he won't stop talking about?

NICK

'Member when we were teenagers? Four in the morning, I'd be sneaking some girl out my window or somethin', I'd see your light on, knew you'd been up studying all night.

JACQUIE

(smiles)

What would Eliot be doing in his room?

NICK

(smirks)

Yo, Eliot!

ELIOT

What?

NICK

Latest issue of National Geographic just hit the news stands!

Eliot ignores him. The phone rings, Rita answers it then slips into the kitchen to escape the noise. She stays on the phone, everyone else mills around, having a good time.

HERB

(to Walt)

So, I was turning off the front sprinklers a few minutes ago, you know, Dwight jogs past. Tells me he's putting up a cyclone fence around his front yard.

WALTER

Not in Eden Park he won't!

HERB

Says he'll put up a high dive in his back yard so the neighbors'd think he has a pool...I told him to buy a giraffe, you could see a giraffe from the street!

-33-

Herb and Walter pour themselves fresh drinks and quietly joke back and forth. Melinda and Grampa continue to play the video game, Eliot joins in. Herb lets out a howl after Walter whispers something to him.

JACQUIE

(reacting to dad's howl)

Oh, Nick, it is so great to actually be back here to live full time. After being gone eight years...I'll tell you a story.

NICK

(enthusiastic)

All right, all right.

JACQUIE

Oh, it's not easy at Valley Med, let me tell you. A mad house. Then, I took a tour of the mental ward today. There was this patient who was set to be released. He really wanted to get out. They gave him a routine lie-detector test. OK, one of the questions was "Are you Abraham Lincoln?" Naturally he answered "no." And the machine showed he was lying!

Nick laughs. Jacquie puts her arm around him.

JACQUIE

I understand you're a district manager now. You're getting pretty yupped-out for a high school drop out.

NICK

What's "yupped-out" mean? I started in retail as only a janitor for the company, only 17. I couldn't stay in high school, not another day.

JACQUIE

Don't I know. After school a stream of girls would chase you down the halls, then across the football field, before you could jump over the fence into your back yard.

-34-

NICK

Good thing I had Eliot to chase 'em away. Eat-a-lot-Eliot.

ELIOT

(having heard his name)

What?

NICK

(to Eliot, Fred Flintstone)

Hey, Wilma, I'm hungry! Cook me a Brontosaurus burger!

WALTER

(turns from Herb for a second)

Nick, pester your brother once more and the rope is coming down from the closet.

GRAMPA

(pricks up his ears)

The rope?

JACQUIE

Oh, I used to love your father's literature class. The rope always hanging near in his desk.

(chuckles)

He had his desk bolted to the floor. He'd throw a lasso over anyone who wasn't paying attention!

NICK

Yup, then he'd pull them to the front of the class! If they resisted they were hog-tied! Know how embarrassing it is when you sign up for your own Dad's class 'cause you figure he'll pass you? I'd be in the back row staring out the window during his lecture...

(under his breath)

...then he'd reach for it.

(swings an imaginary lasso)

Oh, he'd keep talkin', the kids would stay silent while he took aim. Then I'd feel the rope looped tight around my shoulders, the class bursting out in laughter while my chair was skidding towards his desk!

-35-

JACQUIE

(laughing hard)

Then the bell rang. The room emptied out, you were left there tied up in a ball.

(laughs more)

NICK

It's Grampa's fault for teaching him all them rope tricks. On Saturday Dad would lasso me if I didn't mow the lawn.

JACQUIE

It was hysterical when he lassoed the milkman because he was late. There still isn't a paperboy that will come near this house.

Jacquie Nestles Nick, he politely moves away.

JACQUIE

You're so tense Nick.

NICK

Why don't you just stick your hands down the front of my pants and ask me to cough!?

JACQUIE

Oh, you know how first crushes are.

NICK

After 15 years?

JACQUIE

Well, I'm obviously too Gaad damn busy to worry about it now, so lighten up!

NICK

(sincere)

Jacquie, Jacquie baby, you know I love you. But can't you notice that people have to stop the direction they're going sometimes, if they ever want to get anywhere?

JACQUIE

(showing name tag again)

I'm doing just fine thank you.

*36*

NICK

Fine, what about little brother? He's never been "just fine."

JACQUIE

You're the one that's always picked on him!

NICK

You two started playing doctor when you were toddlers 'cept now Dumpy's brain is fried from trying to be an M.D. cause he doesn't have "the gift." Top a that he's short. He could get a job doing anything else, but noooo...!

JACQUIE

If everyone became doctors who'd become lawyers or movie stars?

NICK

People are dying to be somebody, that's what they live for and it can kill them.

(pause)

I was dying to be an actor. But I didn't have "the gift." I used ta wish I coulda starred in the school musical. Fiddler on the Roof" was written for me.

(does a dance step)

JACQUIE

Excuse me! You were the star of the football and baseball teams.

NICK

I had "the gift." Furlong's are naturally fast, so.

JACQUIE

So? They used to call you "the blur of the South Bay!"

NICK

That's history...College scouts breathing down my neck like I was a prize bull. Girls stealing dirty socks out of my locker. The drama teacher yawned in my face. So I quit, k-w-i-t. If you hang on to the wrong dreams too long, you end up "obliterated!"

*36-b*

Nick forms the shape of a mushroom cloud with his hands and makes an explosion sound in Jacquie's face.

JACQUIE

I don't have the wrong dreams! I can't help it if all the girls who grew up in Eden Park had a crush on you!

NICK

None of the girls wanted me for me! You know, I used to be so jelous of how close of a freind you were to Eliot. You and I couldn't hang out with out you trying to smooch me so you could tell your friends about it. When, Doctor Jacquie, when can I tell you how much I love you without you wanting me around only for my looks?

JACQUIE (mad)

Looks?! Nick, you were around for me when I was six years old before "looks." Even when we were toddlers you were a bully with a mean streak...

NICK

Hey!

JACQUIE

Then came Dad's accident, my mother deserted us, Dad was in the hospital for ages, then he was depressed for years. OK, your mom was wonderful, but your father and brother were off in another world. Seven years old you used sing and dance outside my window to cheer me up. We used to hang out, ride bycles.

(she gets emotional)

Everyone told me "Oh, Jacquie, it's all going to be OK," but you're the only one I believed. You were just always filled with such confidence and grace. By the time puberty hit I -

(pause)

Nick, you are so special...

(derogatory)

But it's not like I ever wanted to marry you or anything.

Nick is about to respond to that comment when she rushes away. *End of revision.

-37-

JACQUIE

(speaking French to Eliot)

Eliot, il fait chaud ici.

ELIOT

Il fait plus chaud la dedans.

JACQUIE

Allons saisser.

ELIOT

Bein. Saissons-nous au porch.

JACQUIE

Allons.

Exit Jacquie and Eliot by the front door. Rita gets off the phone and rejoins them.

GRAMPA

Today's young people have their own language.

NICK

(mischievous grin)

Hey, Dad, I notice the lawn is getting high, and you're looking slow. Too bad I'm all grown up and don't live here no more huh?!

Nick smirks and playfully gets in his dad's face. Walter stands, ready for what ever Nick dishes out. To taunt his father, Nick dances around while the stage goes black.

NICK

If I were a rich man...

END OF SCENE ONE

-38-

ACT I, SCENE TWO

The scene instantly changes as the lights go up on the front porch. Any area to the extreme right of the stage will serve as a simplified front porch. Eliot and Jacquie are lounging on the front porch watching the sun set.

JACQUIE

Isn't that a picturesque sunset? Red and orange hues, set against a bluish gray backdrop. Doesn't it make you feel small?

ELIOT

I'm already small...So why'd you break up with Mark?

JACQUIE

Oh, every time we'd try to talk we'd put each other to sleep...So you've applied to all the medical schools again?

ELIOT

Yes. But my grades were affected last quarter on account of a redhead doing graduate work in pediatrics.

JACQUIE

You were dating a redhead?

ELIOT

Date her? I was afraid to speak to her. One day she sat down and ate lunch with me.

JACQUIE

That is really fascinating.

ELIOT

She smiled at me and I...I...

JACQUIE

Did you freeze up again?

ELIOT

(nods)

Spinal paralysis. First she was interested, but I couldn't move. I wanted to ask her out, but who wants to go to dinner with someone who can't move!

-39-

JACQUIE

You're too old for this.

ELIOT

I started to sweat and palpitate. I had to leave. I grabbed my books and broke for my dorm.

JACQUIE

So?

ELIOT

So when I got home I discovered I'd accidentally grabbed her books too!

Jacquie tries not to, but she laughs.

ELIOT

It was then I decided to change. And start lifting weights. Nick got his start lifting weights.

JACQUIE

Nick has always been a hunk. He used to play Tarzan and I'd be Jane.

ELIOT

And guess who I'd always end up playing.

Jacquie makes chimpanzee sounds and starts to pick through Eliot's hair. He isn't amused.

ELIOT

You know how I've always been a book worm, never really caring about TV or movies?

JACQUIE

(smirks)

I'd say magazines were always your first love.

ELIOT

(annoyed)

Listen. Lately I've decided to be bolder. I've always wanted to be posh, I know I can be smug. And with my weight training, I'll end up stout. Can you tell that I lift weights?

-40-

ELIOT

(flexing)

Touch my arms, feel 'em.

JACQUIE

Cheetah always had a hard body...Eliot, you know I've changed too. Now that I'm in a prestigious residency program, I get asked out daily by strangers. A male patient ask me out, who only last week was a woman.

(Eliot laughs)

All those years away, fleeting friends, fleeting romances. In Eden Park every one seems to know everybody their whole lives.

(pause)

Remember how I was the only one in kindergarten who got a four point 0? I never slowed down.

(looks at the sunset)

So suddenly it strikes me how many sunsets I've missed.

ELIOT

We both were barely old enough to drive when you went off to college. Isn't it great we'll be living side by side again, instead of a week here and there?

JACQUIE

Eliot, when was the last time you tired to kiss me?

ELIOT

(thinks back)

1976, I think it was during a bicentennial minute. You know, as a last resort I could go to med school in Mexico or the West Indies.

JACQUIE

The evening is so calm and still. It's practically romantic.

-41-

ELIOT

Sure, no humidity. Tonight the air is like silk, smooth, warm silk, draped across the valley. It's atmosphere that sends other sets of hearts galloping. Other people are on other porches locked in hot embraces, kissing with tongues, saying "hurt me, hurt me." But hell...

JACQUIE

The weather belongs to other people?

ELIOT

Heck, Jacquie, you and I have more in common than two Toyota Celica GTs. Granted both of us long for something more intense during these long days. But I'm short and plump, you got a big nose and your eyes are too close together.

JACQUIE

If looks were so important, people wouldn't shut their eyes when they kiss! Brains are what count.

ELIOT

Ha, just last summer, when Nick was in the shower, you peeked in on him. I suppose you wanted to see how big his brain was!

JACQUIE

Your brother just got through telling me about how some people have to give things up. I've succeeded, so far. You'll never succeed if you don't stop fantasizing about only girls like Nick's wife.

ELIOT

I probably would have been through med school by now if my eyes were as close together as yours.

JACQUIE

At least I'm not like you, built like a pear.

-42-

With her hands she draws the outline of a pear. Then they both shake their heads, sigh, smile and look off into the night.

ELIOT

(bored)

You feel like seeing a movie tonight? I want to see Rocky III again.

JACQUIE

Listen. I just heard my Dad's howl, oh no!

Black out.

END OF SCENE TWO

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Immediately the lights go back up on the set. Herb is laughing at the top of his lungs. Walter is yanking on a long thick cowboy-type rope. He has lassoed Nick.

Grampa and Melinda are teasing Nick. Rita is the only one who isn't laughing.

HERB

Great shot Walt!

WALTER

(tugging rope)

Think the old man's slowing down, do ya!? HA!

The rope is wrapped around Nick's torso and his arms are pinned to his sides making him defenseless.

NICK

(laughing)

Aw, Dad, I didn't do anything. Grampa help me!

GRAMPA

Naw, I never liked him. Let's hang him out back!

RITA

(frustrated)

Walter, will you grow up!

(more)

-43-

RITA(cont)

(to Melinda)

It was fun when he lassoed me on our honeymoon, but it's getting

old...Walter turn him lose. He said he'd mow the lawn tomorrow!

Walter starts to playfully hog tie Nick's wrists. Melinda starts to tickle Nick. He falls to the floor and squirms.

NICK

Please, you said we were going to so something sensible tonight. Walter, LET HIM GO!

WALTER

Never!..Last time you forgot to empty the grass bag. Leave grass in the mower bag and the bag rots!

RITA

I can't stand it. I tell you I just can't stand it!

Rita throw up her arms and exits down the hallway. Grampa takes out a pocket watch. Walter is able to loop the rope around Nick's ankles and ties him into a ball. He then drops the rope and stomps one foot on the floor.

WALTER

Time?

GRAMPA

(looking at watch)

One minute, 35 seconds!

Black out. End of scene three.

ACT I

SCENE FOUR

It is much later that same night. The lights are dim. Eliot is alone on the set, dressed in sweat clothes. He is making a bed for himself on the couch. The others have gone to bed. Eliot begins to stretch and warm up. Melinda enters from hallway wearing a nightgown.

-44-

MELINDA

Hi, sport. Sorry about putting you out of your room. Nick fell asleep before he could put it to me...Where's Jacquie?

ELIOT

She got beeped and ran back to work.

MELINDA

How come you never put it to her?

ELIOT

Is that all you and Nick ever talk about?

MELINDA

You are a virgin aren't you?

ELIOT

No, I've done it! Sort of. It's just never been worth talking about...I've simply never had an actual girl friend because I've always had my face wedged inside a textbook.

MELINDA

Oh? I found stacks of literature under your bed, but they weren't textbooks. You're the only one I know who keeps porno magazines in alphabetical order.

ELIOT

Mind you own business.

Eliot begins to do his bedtime exercises. Through out the scene he completes a series of pushups, situps and stretching exercises. He is quite awkward but seems dedicated to improving.

MELINDA

Alright, alright, let me tell you something kiddo. When I was about four, I remembered Christmas for the first time. I woke up and "poof," all this really cool plastic stuff with my name on it under the tree for free, for doing nothing...

(more)

-45-

MELINDA(cont)

Dolls, toy ovens, it just happened one morning. All this really cool plastic stuff for free...Well, a few months later I started to wake up and walk down the hall in my 'jammies. I'd close my eyes tight till I reached the living room, then I'd pop 'em open. But nothing was ever there!

ELIOT

What in hell are you talking about?

MELINDA

I used to hope it was Christmas time again! I thought maybe my parents kept it a secret and wanted to surprise me...But every morning it was the same. "Zip" no free stuff. Not so much as a yoyo.

Puzzled, Eliot looks at her and scratches his head.

MELINDA

What I am saying is nothing is free. Sure Christmas came again, but not overnight... Someone with your intellectual capacity can't be spiritually and emotionally fulfilled by having an intimate relationship with a magazine...Eliot, you have to make things happen. Every time a girl gives you so much as a glance, your whole body stiffens up. That's not supposed to happen everywhere.

ELIOT

(offended)

Listen, Melinda, my eyes don't produce enough water for me to wear contact lenses. I've always had thick glasses and a thick waist. If I were a guest on "Password," the word to describe me would be "dumpy." I've been in school forever. I have been trying, hard as any one of you, and nothing I've ever wanted to happen is happening! Zip!

-46-

He picks up his pillow, puts it in a half-nelson and punches it a few times.

ELIOT

(angry)

You know my father's been writing books his whole life. And zip. He mails them all over and they don't go anywhere...All Grampy did one day while he was at the race track, was scribble out a western story on scratch paper. And he got it published!...Brent Havoc's wife and kids were murdered, their house was stolen and their horses were set on fire.

(she giggles at his mistake)

Turns out the Dark Riders did it. Soon the Dark Riders were everywhere...

Eliot springs over a couch and stands toe to toe with Melinda. Then he backs down and steps away.

MELINDA

That doesn't mean life doesn't take work.

ELIOT

Overnight my Mom's got a career making more than my Dad ever did...Look at Herb, he's always made a good living on the radio for doing nothing. All he does is talk!

(sounding like a lawyer)

Melinda, did you ever even apply for your old weather girl job?...Huh?

MELINDA

So the producer saw me at a cheerleader competition and thought I was bubbly. Shoot me, I never was a member of the American Meteorologist Society!

ELIOT

And how did you meet Nick?...He saw you at 5:00, then again at 11:00. He drove to the station and by midnight you two were on your way to Tahoe!

-47-

MELINDA

Oh, he was so cute, standing in the parking lot.

ELIOT

Yeah, that took a lot of work. Nick gets to ravage you whenever he wants. Who says everyday can't be Christmas!

MELINDA

Oh.

ELIOT

Oh, Nick's features were etched out of stone and I was slapped together with silly-putty.

MELINDA

Eliot, you're not bad looking.

ELIOT

Then why don't I have anything worth talking about? During the whole '70s all I ever did in a locker room was tell lies!...

Understand this, little Miss Weather Girl; someone like me can't "make things happen," even with your bumper-sticker philosophy, unless he settles for less.

MELINDA

But there's been a sexual revolution. Sex is not a big deal anymore. There must be some girl who-

ELIOT

Say's who, since when? Since

more people were allowed to talk

and write about it? Since Hugh

Hefner and all his copycats?

That's supposed to mean we all get to join in now? Like no one did it before? Take Grampy, sex was a taboo subject when he was young. He still slept with dozens of women before World War One. Then when he became a pilot he slept with every single woman in France.

-48-

MELINDA

You mean he slept with women who's husbands were gone or unmarried woman?

ELIOT

(his anger peaks)

I don't mean "single women" I mean every single woman in France!

MELINDA

(tries not to laugh)

Will you relax.

ELIOT

Aw, scores of special, confident people have always had good sex. They just started telling us about it and we started lying; especially on sex surveys.

MELINDA

Relax.

ELIOT

Relax? First Jacquie has to come in here and wave her stethoscope in front of me, then you come in here with your...

(does not want to say breasts)

Yeah, well someday I'll be a doctor and I'll get my own...

MELINDA

Are you planning to have implants?

ELIOT

NO!

MELINDA

Sorry, I just couldn't sleep. I only wanted someone to talk to.

ELIOT

Then why didn't you put on a robe?

MELINDA

Come on. You're family, it's baking in this house.

-49-

ELIOT

You're hot? You know I'm a Stanford graduate, I speak other languages, I'm a trained chemist, I've had offers from major companies...But when I see you and girls like you during the summer, I have to skip into the bathroom and run cold water over my private parts.

MELINDA

(sighs)

You know. I have a friend that would love to date you.

ELIOT

I don't date homely girls. And any girl that would "love to date me" has got to be homely. You are such an airhead.

MELINDA

AIRHEAD! Eliot, what was the subject of your Master's thesis?

ELIOT

Biochemistry. Genetic alteration induced by continuous exposure to controlled room temperature in the 20th century.

MELINDA

Oh, I see. Prolonged heat only available with the inception and wide-scale use of central heating could influence fetuses. Sounds a little like the DNA molecule would be overloaded with a consequential number of units of phosphate and deoxyribose enzyme.

ELIOT

(shocked)

What? You read it?

MELINDA

I didn't have to. It's only obvious, with consummate temperature during cell division, the increased units of polymerase enzyme could affect the genetic blueprint for that generation.

-50-

ELIOT

What are the four nucleic bases?

MELINDA

Adenine, thymine, cytosine and quanine. But don't tell your brother, he knows I went to UCSB, but he thinks it's a radio station...Eliot, you've been so busy being afraid to talk to me and hung up on looks, you don't ask what I do now. I was only a weekend weather girl to pay for

my last year of tuition. I'm a licensed physical therapist, I'm not an airhead.

ELIOT

What film won the best picture Oscar in 1945?

MELINDA

"The Lost Weekend" Paramount studios.

ELIOT

What's the leading export of New Zealand?

MELINDA

(heavy sigh)

I don't know everything! OK, I found a copy of your thesis in your room and I thumbed through it. Go ahead, ask me something else.

Lights dim out.

END OF ACT ONE.

-51-

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

A month has elapsed. The morning sun is streaming through the windows. Walter is at the table using it as a desk and typing diligently. He looks like he's been up all night, his clothes are rumpled and he is unshaven. He stops typing and without reading, he talks to himself.

WALTER

"What? Close down the uranium outpost? What's Third Moon Steel coming to? But you can't lay me off. I have mouths to feed! I had a mixed marriage with a woman from Jupiter. From a single pregnancy they give birth to 24 kids!"

Walter yanks the paper out of the typewriter and adds it to a stack of papers. He yawns and stretches. From out side he hears the sound of a howling Red Devil firework, followed by a string of fire crackers. He grins and shakes his head.

WALTER

"Sales will come back," quipped Mike Tropper as he ran his hands through his silver hair..."What, sell my kids? Auction my own children? That's insane! Don't you know they need too much dental work!"

Rita enters from hallway dressed in a tennis outfit and swinging a tennis racket. We hear another string of fire crackers in the background.

RITA

Who are you talking to?

WALTER

Oh, Rita, I don't mean to raise my voice, but it's the Third Moon. Used to be a nice place. It's being overrun by Martians. Those little green twits don't eat, don't sleep and never have to go the bathroom. Of course they'll work for lower wages!

-52-

RITA

(amused)

Oh, isn't this an excellent day for our traditional Forth of July barbecue?...But first off this morning, a friend of mine from work and I are going to get a few sets in...Walter, were you up all night?

WALTER

Yes. The final manuscript is ready to me mailed off to a long string of publishers. I'll send a copy to Richard Windstone. He's had two best sellers. Dedicated his first book to me.

RITA

I know, but you haven't seen Richard Windstone in eons.

WALTER

I was his favorite teacher. I taught him sentence structure when no one else would. Each year he mails me an autographed copy of his latest book.

RITA

You never see each other.

WALTER

He moved back East after high school. We're both are afraid of airplanes.

(holding up manuscript)

Richard Windstone will read it. I was his favorite teacher.

RITA

Do you ever read your mail? Don't you realize you were everyone's favorite teacher.

WALTER

Really?

RITA

You've been so blinded by your imaginary travels, you never knew how wonderful you were at teaching stubborn kids to love literature.

-53-

WALTER

Then why can't I find another teaching job?

RITA

Dear, it's demographics. And you don't want to commute. People around here stopped having so many babies.

(beat)

Have you seen the schoolyard? The tennis courts are still OK, but the grass is brown. When Nick got in last night he wanted to play handball, but there's weeds all over the black-top.

WALTER

Weeds? I tell you Mars is covered with weeds.

RITA

Aren't they going to sell the school buildings or something?

WALTER

Those little twits on Mars chop-up the plants and smoke them everyday. That's why they're all so God damn green!

RITA

(looking him over)

Walt, you need a rest. My vacation is coming up and I wish we could actually go somewhere this year.

WALTER

Vacation?

RITA

Writers are supposed to travel, to experience. You've never been out of California.

WALTER

Oh, yes I have!

RITA

Texas doesn't count. You were only there a few weeks with the reserves.

-54-

WALTER

They give the son of a decorated World War One pilot a discharge because he doesn't like killing. The bastards that attacked me and tried to rob me were American soldiers. I think they were planing on killing me once they realized I'd seen their faces.

RITA

(sympathetic)

Walter, please...

WALTER

They came up behind me in the latrine, expecting to club me.

They didn't realize all Furlongs are fast.

RITA

(understanding)

I know dear.

WALTER

The first one went down easy. My father taught me how to knock a man out with one blow, but I'd

been a kid that never got in fights. The second one was a kicker, he was so tall I couldn't reach his skull. I took my jacket, looped it around his neck and almost had to strangle him to death.

RITA

(sympathetic)

Walter, you get upset when you talk about that...Maybe we could just take a drive to Carmel.

WALTER

As a child we took a road trip near there. That's when I saw my mother struck and killed by a drunk driver.

Rita takes hold of his arm and looks at him sympathetically.

-55-

RITA

Walter, relax. Look dear, I've got to go warm up. When Trena gets here, could you show her to the gate? Sweetheart, you really should take a nap before our barbecue.

(she begins to leave)

WALTER

Sure...Um, should we invite your 30 year old boy friend, or is he busy installing the jacuzzi in you new condo?

RITA

I don't have a boy friend, or a lover, or a condo, or even a husband! And I haven't mentioned leaving once, since you've been out of work.

WALTER

No, but your planning something. You close the door to our room and put on loud music. Don't think I can't hear you jumping up and down.

RITA

It's an exercise, it's called aerobics.

WALTER

(doubtful)

Sure.

RITA

You know I joined a heath club after I started working. To trim my thighs. Walter for 10 years my thighs were out of control! Maybe I did make plans to change, I've grown. I want more than this, more than you. I thought about seeing someone else. Yes, but never the less, the last time I checked we were married; and buster I'm not about to commit adultery!

-56-

WALTER

Honey, nobody commits adultery anymore. It's called an "extra-marital affair." Don't you ever watch "Knotts Landing?"

RITA

It's cheap. All those years I stayed home and watched soap operas. And I said "what sluts."

WALTER

Then call a lawyer. Am I going to have to do it? They have discount divorces, $99.95. I've given you my consent. GO!

RITA

Some people assume that working for a long term marriage went out with the hula-hoop. I seem to remember-

WALTER

Christ, Rita, these days people work to forget their weddings ever took place.

RITA

If they don't want to remember, why do they take so many pictures!?

(she takes a breath)

I was reared to believe certain antique values. I can't disappoint our kids, and the-

WALTER

Ha, we only have two. Some couples have 24 kids and they only did it once all year.

RITA

That sounds like you! You used to lassoe me the minute I came home from the supermarket. I'd make you leave the rope in the hall of course, but...Now it's a big deal if I get a good night kiss.

-57-

WALTER

Do all you women think you have to be Helen Gurly Brown? While I'm splitting my head open trying to get published before I'm...(pause) an antique.

He wipes his face and stares at the floor. She moves back over and comforts him.

RITA

That's why I'm still here. I can't and I won't stop believing in you. I accepted our vows, I took your name. Would I have let my last name be Furlong if I didn't love you? If you want to be a graying Cinderella, I'm with you. I'll hang on in spite of myself.

WALTER

This novel is special, darling, it is.

RITA

I believe you.

(starts to leave again)

Look, I'll see you when I get done playing. All right?

WALTER

OK.

Walter answers her without taking his eyes off his book. She gazes at him for a beat, then exits out the back door. He continues to shuffle his papers.

Grampa enters through the back door followed by his friend, another senior named SPANKY.

GRAMPA

(puts arm around Walt)

Hey, Walt...You look like you've been crawling under the house!

WALTER

Hello, Dad, Mister..?

(searching for his real name)

GRAMPA

Just call him Spanky. His grandkids started a grass fire on the baseball diamond. Ha.

-58-

SPANKY

Took us the rest of the morning to stomp it out.

Grampa puts his hands on his son's shoulders and looks over his work.

WALTER

All that running around isn't good for your heart, Dad.

GRAMPA

Aw. My son's the writer now. Writes long books with what he he calls "multisyllabic" words.

SPANKY

I don't know why the Raiders left Oakland.

GRAMPA

Oh, I forgot. I won Spanky's hearing aid off him in a poker game. I SAY MY SON WRITES BOOKS!

WALTER

Dad, give it back.

SPANKY

I'd like to read one, Mister Furlong. Used to read plenty. Heck, since my daughter's kids got one a them Betamaxes and rented Eddie and me a couple of them movies about space ships and robots, I stick to TV and film.

GRAMPA

Gotta see bright lights, hear bleeps and roaring gun fire to keep me from dozing. I SAY LOUD NOISES KEEPS ME-

WALTER

(stopping him from screaming)

Dad!

Grampa ushers Spanky to the TV area.

GRAMPA

Aw, we came here to play "Galaxy Invader." Today I'm playing this old clown for his pacemaker.

-59-

Grampa and Spanky set up the game and begin to play in the background. Enter Eliot from the back door. He is dressed in white sweat clothes and is carrying a white towel. He also is carrying a walkman with the head phones around his neck.

It is apparent he has just completed a vigorous work-out and he is pumped full of energy. While his father's appearance is on the decline, Eliot's appearance and attitude has elevated considerably. His stuttering is minimal and his spare tire has shrunk. He waggles up behind Walter with an Arnold Swartznegger accent.

ELIOT

I been pumpin' ta i'on. Be st'ong, be ha'd all ove'a...Ya, ya, d'ink Maxwell House coffee.

Eliot jumps back a few feet, starts to shadow dance and becomes "Rocky."

ELIOT

Yo, come on Mrs. Olson, I'll take you and Arnold on at once. Yeah, I ain't no bummm!

(closes one eye and limps)

Adrian...A...dri...an!

(back to normal)

Dad, can you tell by looking at me that I lift weights?

WALTER

Well, you've certainly been chipper as of late. And you're thinner. What brought all this on?

ELIOT

I guess it's time to tell you. I was in the city recently, on the wharf, and I met some warm caring people. I'm becoming a Hare Krisha.

Eliot puts his head phones on, drapes his towel over his head, shuts his eyes and proceeds to dance and chant; mocking a sidewalk Hare Krisha. Then the door bell rings, but Eliot doesn't hear it.

The seniors remain engrossed in their game. Walter yells "COME IN!" Enter an attractive young women TRENA. She is dressed in tennis garb and is carrying a racket. (Note: This walk-on is optional. It was written-in to give a member of the tech crew some stage time.

-60-

TRENA

Hi, I'm Trena. From what Rita has told me, I know I'm in the right place.

WALTER

Howdy, I'm Walt. She's waiting for you. Just head out the back door and you'll see the gate, you can see the courts from there...Ignore my father, but say hello to my son, Moonbeam.

TRENA

Thank you.

Trena walks up to Eliot and is amused and curious about his routine, she taps him on the shoulder. Eliot flips open the towel and takes the headset. When he see her standing inches from him, he jumps back to get a good look at her.

ELIOT

(confident, not timid)

Woo, hello, darling!

TRENA

Hi, I'm Trena, I work with your mother.

ELIOT

(trying to be cool)

Oh, what do you do, over there?

TRENA

I work in the data department. You could say I'm a librarian.

ELIOT

Really?

In trying to be posh, smug and stout, Eliot steps backwards and trips over his own feet, the towel flops back over his eyes and he falls to the floor. Trena laughs.

TRENA

It was nice meeting you.

Exit Trena out the back door. Enter Herb through the back door, they pass each other, ad-lib greetings. Herb has a six pack and a bag of chips in his lap.

-61-

HERB

(reacting to Trena)

What a tomato. Did you see that outfit?

WALTER

What?

HERB

I think your problem is your paralyzed from the neck up...The game starts in a few minutes. You ready?

WALTER

Ah, Herb, we'll have to watch the game on your set. Mine's been INVADED!

Herb and Walter exit out the back door. Eliot gets up off the floor and shrugs. He then hurries down the hall toward the bedrooms.

GRAMPA

(winning)

Ha, energize, ha! Prepare to die!

SPANKY

C'mon Eddie, you know I'm catching a plane to Florida this afternoon.

Grampa gives him an evil laugh. Eliot comes back down the hall backwards, being backed up by his brother. Nick is in his underclothes and acts like a zombie. He makes a gesture to strangle Eliot for waking him up.

NICK

Damn it, dough boy. I drove six hours to get here last night, then Dad made me mow the lawn. I was sleeping, Dumpy!

ELIOT

We're supposed to play handball this morning.

NICK

(rubbing his eyes)

If I could see I'd punch you! How come you been acting strange? You've been acting cool, almost suave like me. And for you that's strange.

-62-

ELIOT

Well, I work out now, I eat right and I met a babe. I've been...you know...

(makes a slight sexual gesture)

NICK

You? You mean with another person present? A girl even?

ELIOT

Oh, I'd done it before, but it wasn't glorious, locomotive,

ballistic - forbidden mores abandoned. A breathless escape of glistening flesh. Which in me induced a carnal renaissance.

(pause)

She was a librarian.

NICK

No?! Did she beg you to whisper?

ELIOT

It was so ferocious we set off a smoke alarm. She made so much noise dogs outside started to howl.

NICK

I 'member my first time. Eighth grade, Darcy and Julie Van Bever invited me over to work on an astronomy project.

ELIOT

Their father worked at NASA, he had a wooden leg?

NICK

Fiberglass...His daughters, they ripped my track uniform off me, and they took me around the world.

ELIOT

Uh, huh. Then Admiral Van Bever came home early!

NICK

Caught the three of us buck naked. I denied everything. The room was a shambles, and I

(more)

-63-

NICK(cont)

still denied everything! He yanked off his leg and started swinging it at me. I jettisoned the house, hurtled a parked car and bolted down Applegate Avenue. Ran so fast my image became a blur. A blur so no one on the street could tell I was completely naked. That's how I got my name, "The Blur of the South Bay."

(pause)

Eliot, you in love with my wife?

ELIOT

Yes. Shame she had to work this weekend and couldn't make it up. Look, I love a lot of girls, I'm in love with Shena Easton too, so what.

NICK

Something's changed you. But you're still pretty Dumpy to me.

(poking Eliot's belly)

Dough boy!

ELIOT

(furious)

DON'T CALL ME THAT!

Eliot shoves Nick. Nick returns a hefty push.

ELIOT

I lift weights now, and you can tell. You don't. Mess with me and the blur will be a smudge!

Nick sighs and and yawns.

NICK

Oh, right, junior. We'll see. We'll play handball. You see, I've got the world by the throat. Just let me get some pants on.

Nick and Eliot start down the hall to change clothes.

NICK

And who's this Shena Easton?

Exit Eliot and Nick. Grampa and Spanky's video game is over. They stand up.

-64-

SPANKY

Eddie, I can't go to Florida without it, I say we play for two out of three?

GRAMPA

No dice! And don't try to write me a check! You know what I want! Cough it up!

END OF SCENE ONE, ACT II

ACT II, SCENE TWO

It is late afternoon on the same day. Rita and Jacquie have brought refreshments out of the kitchen. They stop at the table and load up a couple of trays. We can hear some faint adlibs of the men off stage in the back yard. Rita has been telling Jacquie a story and they're giggling.

RITA

So I give him the count of ten. Everyone stops working at their desks and looks up...One-two-

Then he says "OK, I'll do it, but not because you asked me to, but because if my wife found out I was fired by a woman I'd never live it down."

JACQUIE

(laughs)

Sometimes I get that crap from chauvinists in the E.R., except I only count to one...Ah, Rita, I always knew you could make it in the private sector. You were always the most focused volunteer administrator. All that charity work and the PTA, Cub Scouts...

(puts arms around Rita)

You were the best Brownie foster mother.

(going through condiments)

Ah, Gray Pupon.

Again we hear the men making noise outside. Door opens for a second for Nick to yell inside.

NICK

(off stage)

A mosquito just flew in my mouth!

-65-

RITA

Pardon me?!

JACQUIE

Umm. Smell that barbecue.

RITA

Always smells the same to me.

JACQUIE

After what I've been smelling at the hospital all day. Rita, I've heard rumors.

RITA

Rumors?

JACQUIE

You want out don't you? Housewife exodus?

RITA

Oh, Jacquie, I've only thought about leaving.

JACQUIE

You used to seem so happy. I remember when other parents were so jealous of you two. Neighbors would complain how two kids would be necking in the school yard and it would turn out to be you and Walt!...Eight years ago, when I won my scholarship, I asked you why you never finished college, you told me how much you loved always working at home...Is it that bad these days?

RITA

It's everything. At work they jump when I tell them to. I come home and Grampa's a video addict. Elliot - all the money

from the sale of my parent's farm

went to pay for his college. He's got such an education, but all he's done is dash around the house trying to be Sylvester Stallone...Walter wakes up in the middle of the night and scrawls notes on the wall by the bed...Nick drives all the way

(more)

-66-

RITA(cont)

from LA to visit and the first thing he does is get Walter's goat until he chased him out onto the street swinging a rope. Nick woke up half the neighborhood mowing the lawn at one A.M! I used to have so many friends in Eden Park, but now it seems all they want to do is exchange recipes and gain 10 pounds a year. It's not like it's supposed to be, it's not like it used to be. Menopause is just around the corner and I expect...I don't know what I expect, but I never expected this.

JACQUIE

My mother lit out. Didn't even leave a note. It's been 20 years and she still hasn't written.

RITA

Your mother was 28 when she vanished. I'm not going to disappear, or go on Phil Donahue and complain about how I was trapped as a housewife. I

wouldn't trade my years here, not to live in a palace. I was married to Peter Pan. It used to be so cute for so long, all the special things Walter wanted to do. But now he can't grow up and it's killing him.

They finish gathering the refreshments and start out the back door, when Nick and Eliot burst in. Nick uses a half-eaten carrot as a microphone. Everyone else has been drinking, but Nick is the only one who is a little tipsy.

NICK

(singing)

Oh, I got the world by the throat, either you fall or you don't.

ELIOT

(wolfing down a burger)

Party's moving inside. The mosquitoes are attacking in droves...Ah, central air.

-67-

NICK

I wrote myself a song. Everybody sing along.

Herb, Grampa and Walter trail in through the back door sipping beers.

NICK

(singing)

Oh, I've got the world by the throat. I will take no falls, 'cause unfulfilled dreams become nightmares that never stop. I'd rather chase seconds around the clock. Rip off the testes, yank out a lung. Ya gotta stop dreaming if you want to have fun.

HERB

No, no, Eddie, Jersey Joe Walcott was the last man Joe Louis defeated.

WALTER

(rubbing insect bites)

Honey, you forgot to spray.

GRAMPA

(shakes head)

Herb, if he'd been born earlier, Brent Havoc woulda knocked the living bejesus out of Joe Louis.

HERB

Eddie, Brent Havoc was never born. He only existed in your books.

GRAMPA

Oh? I stopped writing 30 years ago and he's still around, Mister Know-it-all.

HERB

The only reason you stopped writing was because after television was invented, you couldn't pull yourself away!

GRAMPA

Ha, you're still in radio, I'm surprised you even know TV was invented. One time Brent Havoc took on a whole mess a Dark Riders and-

-68-

WALTER

(smiling)

Will you two stop.

HERB

(to Grampa)

At least I'm a real person.

GRAMPA

(to Herb)

Yeah, if Brent Havoc hadn't been fictitious, he woulda knocked the living bejesus out of you for poking fun at him.

Grampa realizes he and Herb have gone a bit too far in their bickering. He puts his arm around Herb and practically sits in his lap.

GRAMPA

Aw, Herb, you know I've always thought of you as the son I never wanted to have.

(Herb and Grampa laugh)

JACQUIE

(patting father)

Oh, Daddy, Brent Havoc wasn't a boxer. He was a Dallas Cowboy.

NICK

Boxing, sports, cowboys. What a ridiculous thing for grown men to do.

HERB

Listen to you. "Athlete of the year." You made it four times in three years. An MVP. Hey Eddie, ever figure out what I.D.K. stands for?

GRAMPA

(shrugs)

I don't know.

JACQUIE

(arm around Nick)

"The Blur of the South Bay." M.V.P. 1974 Nor-Cal bowl.

-69-

NICK

As a kid. Today I'm going places in retail, you understand. My knees are intact and I'm not expected to perform like a race horse.

ELIOT

Doesn't your wife expect you to perform like a race horse?

NICK

You say something?

Nick sneers and steps toward Eliot, he looks the other way.

GRAMPA

You know, it's boiling outside and it's freezing in here.

NICK

(western dialect)

Yep...It was hot. Jack Trenton and me was stranded in Apache territory. Our horses had run off. It was dry, barren land with no game. Soon the jerky would be gone. Trenton was my best friend, but I knew that before he got too skinny I'd have to drop him with a bullet, so's I could cook him 'em and eat 'em.

RITA

Nick, that's disgusting!

WALTER

That sort of thing happens on Mars all the time.

NICK

(to mother)

What? It's story time.

ELIOT

Grampy, tell us about the pool hall.

NICK

Pool hall, pool hall!

(pause)

-70-

GRAMPA

The forest was white. Blinding white ice. The towering timber was dwarfed by the splendorous Rockies...Our lumber camp was half buried in the blizzard. The Montana wind raged through the snow covered trees. The winter before I went off to fight Germany, I had to use a set of crutches 'cause I'd twisted my leg in a nasty fall. While the other men were out logging all day, I'd be in town, finding myself in the company of their wives. Without a paycheck, I survived the season by playing pool at night in an old log tavern that smelled like a barn. Packed with scruffy outcasts and outlaws. Me? I was leaning against the pool table when he came in. He didn't see my crutches resting against the wall. Once I broke I turned around and gazing down at me was the meanest, mangiest Indian a body could imagine. Oh, he had duds of a lumberjack, but he had braids, beads and a profile forged from a buffalo nickel! He was six foot six, darn near as broad. His breath melted the snow. What I ever did to try to make him kill me I would never learn. But at this particular bar, blood spills common as whiskey. And I was unarmed, stuck with this bum leg! His burly hand reached to his sheath and produced an eight inch hunting knife! It shimmered on the way towards my neck. By now there wasn't a soul left inside 'cept us. Nope, I didn't have to feel that blade to know how cold it was...No sir.

(pause)

HERB

Well?

-71-

GRAMPA

Well what?

WALTER

What happened? He never tells us what happened.

GRAMPA

(looking around)

Where'd I put my watch?

NICK

Grampy, darn it, tell us.

HERB

Just this once.

GRAMPA

Naw, that's all you get. Parts of stories that only take seconds to happen. No feeling last long, only an instant. You've got to hang on. Live by your whims. If I hadn't held on that day in Montana they would have got me.

JACQUIE

Who would have got you?

GRAMPA

The Dark Riders, that's who! You never know when the Dark Riders might come knocking on your door...I wonder what happened to my watch?

(dropping into an easy chair)

My wife, they got her while she was crossing the street.

WALTER

Dad, you had more than whims, Mom and you had a lot of years.

GRAMPA

Years don't count! Where in the bejesus is my watch?!

Grampa lays back in the chair and talks to himself.

GRAMPA

They're everywhere. The government, in Russia, on the board of major corporations...

-72-

JACQUIE

(sighs, gives up,

elbows Nick)

Been a while since I've heard about the All-star Bowl.

Eliot discovers Grampa's watch near the couch.

ELIOT

Grampy here it is.

(Grampa has fallen asleep)

WALTER

He always nods off after one of his speeches.

NICK

All right, all right, I'll tell you. That game was my swan song; as I did an imitation of a bullet!

The pager on Jacquie's belt goes off.

JACQUIE

(disappointed)

Ah, damn, my favorite story. I'm going to run next door to call in.

Exit Jacquie out the back door.

HERB

What a daughter, huh? Now there's a kid who knows how to hold on.

WALTER

I agree. What does she do for a living anyway?

NICK

Yup, after the game the cheerleaders were all over me!

HERB

A high school game so big, they put it on TV!

Nick positions various items on the floor, a bowl, a beer can, couch pillows, to represent football players.

NICK

(to himself)

Yeah, yeah, we saw it in living color.

-73-

HERB

I'll tell you about when the wind was blowing one fall day, only the trees were still too small to howl. You see, when you kids were real young, everybody had to have a color TV. I had to have one. Had to show it off. I couldn't wait for a calm day to put up the Gaad damn brand new antenna, 30 feet up.

WALTER

I don't think it was the wind that made you fall, Herb. But slippery moss growing on the shingles.

ELIOT

Why do we tell and retell these stories? He fell, we were all there. Herb's wife looked like Jacquie Kennedy as she clung to him crying. But when she saw the X-rays, she was never seen in this neighborhood again.

RITA

Eliot!

ELIOT

Well, hell, she was in charge of the P.T.A!

HERB

(lightly punching Walter)

I found out who my friends were.

WALTER

(to Eliot)

You were in kindergarten! You don't remember-

ELIOT

She used to baby sit us. Mary was beautiful. Sometimes she'd walk me home from kindergarten, hold my hand. She saw how much Nick picked on me, even then. She told me some day I'd "move on." Even before Herb fell, Mary and I were the only two people in Eden Park that didn't want to be here!

(pause, looks at Herb)

-74-

ELIOT

True love does not know physical limitations.

(looks at his mother,

than his father)

But even with love sometimes the person has to "move on."

Nick hasn't been listening. He gets everyone's attention.

NICK

Alright, alright, time to tell you.

(showing items on the floor)

Let's see, I was flanking a guy that coulda intercepted a cannon ball! You play quarter back.

Nick tosses Eliot a small pillow from the couch. Eliot snaps out of being philosophical. Reluctantly he assumes the role of quarterback.

ELIOT

(jock, southern drawl)

Alright, I like foot...ball.

NICK

(dancing about)

Ten seconds remaining, we were behind five points!...The

stadium crowd roared like thunder, because I was lightning! I bulldozed my way though and hovered over the end zone, as if my legs were propellers and I had wings! I spotted the quarterback a mile away. He catapulted the ball and missed me by 15 feet! I had to fly sideways to snatch the pigskin out of the sky...The papers said I looked like I was attached to invisible wires!

(sports announcer)

It looks like the game's over. Hold it Lagara throws...

(beat)

FURLONG! LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, FURLONG IS ON A MAGIC CARPET!

Eliot fades back and lunges the pillow across the room. Nick hurls himself into the air to complete the pass. Upon landing from his leap, he smashes into an end table making a loud noise.

-75-

He lands with a thud, sprawled on the floor, clutching the pillow and lets out a moan. Herb and Walter laugh.

RITA

Nick, are you OK?

Eliot notices Grampa hasn't moved.

ELIOT

That noise should have woke up Grampy.

Walter moves over and nudges him.

WALTER

Dad?...I think he's unconscious. Dad! I don't think he's breathing. Lord, he's not breathing!

Nick gets off the floor and jets out the back door.

NICK

I'm getting Jacquie!

WALTER

Dad, snap out of it!

ELIOT

(trying to help)

Lay him down, he needs C.P.R. Dad, he's cold.

They lay Grampa's motionless body on the floor. Eliot tries to rip Grampa's shirt off his chest.

ELIOT

Jesus, his body is cold.

WALTER

What are you doing? You don't know what you're doing!

Jacquie and Nick rush through the back door. Instantly Jacquie drops to her knees and examines Grampa's lifeless body. She checks his pulse, inspects his eyes, etc, in professional detail.

WALTER

(frantic and confused)

Pound on him. Revive him. FATHER! POUND ON HIM!

-76-

JACQUIE

Oh, no.

(long pause, sighs with grief)

Oh, Christ...Walter, he's gone. I'm sorry, he can't be helped. He's dead.

WALTER

Do what you're supposed to do! He was just here! He didn't clutch his heart and cry out...

Jacquie shakes her head and addresses everyone sympathetically.

JACQUIE

I can't. His body temperature is too low. His eyes are...His heart stopped quite a few minutes ago. I don't know what happened, his heart was old, it could have just stopped and he wouldn't move or cry out. I'm not sure, but I do know that he didn't suffer...I'll take care of everything.

Jacquie sadly moves to the phone and makes a call. The others stand frozen in shock and disbelief. Rita tries to comfort Walter.

RITA

Honey, he was surrounded by his family and he didn't go through any pain.

WALTER

He didn't know what pain was! Dad why didn't you warn me?

HERB

Walt, we've talked about this. Almost 90 is a warning. I'm sorry...I loved him too.

Walter is overcome by shock. He gets lost in the following narrative.

WALTER

He was always there. There was a time when the two of us had nothing. When I was five, they kept telling us the depression was ending, but we had to spend the summer living out of a pick-up truck. Dad had

lost his job, then we lost my

mother. (more)

-77-

WALTER(cont)

Dad had lost at the track, soon our house was gone. The year before Dad published his first book, we we're camping up the northcoast. While Dad pitched the tent, I disappeared down the beach. I wandered into this inlet surrounded by layers of jagged rocks gouging out of the beach. I hiked about until I found myself trapped by the incoming tide. I couldn't climb any higher, I couldn't go around and I couldn't swim well yet. And the ocean was growing violent, blocking out my cries and screams. Then I looked up and I saw Father, perched at the top of the cliff a couple dozen feet above me. Then he was gone.

(pause, tears come to his eyes)

He reappeared, with rope in hand. Thank God I had no ordinary father. He was already in his mid 40s, but he was the most solid piece of flesh. He descended down to me. The ocean struck and washed us down, trying to swallow us. I hugged him around his torso with my tiny arms and up we went. Straight up what seemed like a mountain. He began to scramble along lose rock. His hands began to bleed. But he held on...Dad!...I felt him breath and grunt...Finally he pulled us over the ridge to safety. And do you know what that old man did as we stumbled toward camp, his wounds throbbing, his muscles torn? He burst out in laughter and danced. We both broke into song. Because we were alive, and together and we'd never be lost.

(Walter sighs and gets

a hold of himself)

Aw, Dad, why didn't you go out fighting?

The lights slowly dim out. END OF ACT TWO.

DOC+--d--FBB

-78-

ACT THREE

SCENE ONE

It is two months later. Walter is at his desk, vigilantly jotting in a note pad. He is bearded and looks awful. Awfully unkempt and awfully distant. Eliot is on the floor fiercely pumping off a set of push-ups. He does a series of push-ups effortlessly, then grunts and knocks out a dozen more. He springs to his feet, full of energy.

Once again with the passage of time as Walter seems to further decline, Eliot's presences is remarkably stronger. His spare tire and his stuttering are gone. Walter pulls away from his work, yawns and walks around stretching. He spots Eliot.

WALTER

What the hell are you doing?

ELIOT

(flexing)

Getting hard Dad. If you didn't know me, could you tell I lift weights?

WALTER

What day of the week is this?

ELIOT

Tuesday, shucks Dad, you look like you've been living under the house.

WALTER

Shut up.

(points to desk)

I'll have you know I'm in Belgium right now, during the German occupation. I'm a hunted spy and I have a train to catch. To make matters worse, I have a steel hook for a hand!

Eliot gracefully continues his calisthenics.

ELIOT

You know, Pop, the trouble is that this is the first time you haven't gone back to school after labor day since you were

this high.

(holds hand up the height

of a five year old)

-79-

WALTER

Well, the school district can't find me a spot. Because...

ELIOT

You haven't even tried-

WALTER

Nonsense, it's because I learned to teach when all we relied upon was the printed word. Before the media became a computerized massage parlor. You see-

ELIOT

I know. Dad - I didn't stop being a well-read intellectual until three months ago - because of the proliferation of the electronic media, society is shifting back to the olden pre-printing press days when all man had was eyes, ears and muscle. Who needs this Marshall McLuhan bit? I thought you were back in black and white World War Two?

WALTER

I shouldn't bother, people don't read any more.

ELIOT

Must be hard getting on a train when the S.S. is looking for someone with a hook at the end of his arm. Whata ya do, put the hook in your pocket?

WALTER

(goes back to his work)

I've got to get back. The Gestapo don't like to be kept waiting.

ELIOT

Careful, if you swat a mosquito in your sleep, your hook will gouge open your face.

Enter Rita from the hallway, she is putting earrings on. She is dressed up and looks terrific.

-80-

RITA

Hello, how do I look? I'm going to a business luncheon at Lockheed.

(she picks up

phone,it's dead)

Walter, I really wished you'd remembered to pay the phone bill!

WALTER

Maybe the mailman lost the bill.

RITA

Our mailmen know to always be very careful around you.

ELIOT

(smirks)

'Member when one of 'em accidentally dropped an envelop on the wet sidewalk. Dad lassoed him and dragged him through a mud puddle.

RITA

(she closely at Walter)

Walter, how long have you been up?

WALTER

I've been up for days. Eliot, are you aware your mother has a boyfriend? She's going steady with a rocket scientist.

RITA

That's not true. You should know, you are a spy and you've been up for days!

ELIOT

Mom, I'm old enough to understand.

WALTER

Rubbish, you're 24 and you've never had a job. This summer all you've done is go to the movies. You've seen "Rocky I, II, III, four dozen times! When you write down a phone number, you use Roman numerals!

ELIOT

I've applied to seventeen-

-81-

WALTER

Sleepless, I prowl around the house; I rummage through mail.

I use my steel hook for a letter opener. You've been rejected by seventeen medical schools!

ELIOT

I can go to a foreign med school.

WALTER

Rubbish! You already spent all our savings. And Rita, honey, I discovered a sweetie love note from your high tech sweetheart.

RITA

It was a birthday card from a friend at the office, three weeks ago! You didn't even remember my birthday. I could use a boyfriend, you're about as compassionate as a grapefruit.

WALTER

Then pack your bags! My father's been gone two months. And hell, the kids are...

(imitating Eliot)

old enough to understand.

RITA

If you think I'm going to desert you, when you're on the verge of a mental breakdown, you're crazy!

The front door swings open and enter Nick and Melinda; each carrying a suitcase. They come in and stretch after a long drive. Nick drops his suitcase and speaks with a southern twang.

NICK

Mamma, I'm home from the war. Been so lonely. I hope the Yankees didn't steal all the sheep!

MELINDA

(Scarlet O'Hara)

Tara, Tara, we're home. Why Tara, you've subdivided!

-82-

ELIOT

Johnny, yo' home!

Eliot runs up to Nick with open arms, but slips past him and hugs Melinda.

MELINDA

Eliot, you must have lost 30 pounds!

(to Rita)

You know your phone's disconnected?

RITA

Yes. I'm glad you two could spend part of your vacation with us.

MELINDA

Thanks, the traffic was murder.

NICK

It's gonna be murder if someone doesn't take all his hands off my wife...Dad is that you?

WALTER

Son, your mother has been going hot-tubbing with a 21 year old jet propulsion expert. Promised her a ride in the space shuttle. Told her what a G-spot was.

RITA

(furious, grabbing

his arm)

Walter, can I see you in the kitchen!?

Rita pulls Walter into the kitchen. Then sounds of a quarrel can be heard in the background. Nick starts to pace around.

NICK

All right, all right, listen. We been driving since day break, Melinda keeps asking;

(high voice)

"Oh, does Eliot have a girl friend yet?" She asks and expects you givin' the time to some girl, any girl.

MELINDA

Nick, we just got here!

-83-

NICK

Seems Eliot had mysteriously acquired all kinds of confidence. You used to break out in hives if a girl so much as gave you a glance. Not now, I've seen the change!...Melinda, when we were here in June, the night I went to bed early, you did something to him!

MELINDA

All I did was give him some advice!

NICK

Oh, no it was some kind of mercy surrogate thing!

ELIOT

No, she hardly touched me!

NICK

(to Melinda)

You've always been a free thinker, into some kinda '60s free love. Oh, yeah, you're a physical therapist all right!

MELINDA

Do you have to exaggerate everything!? Your little brother was in trouble. Jacquie said he'd never get into medical school. Maybe he'd have had some confidence if you hadn't bullied and pestered him all his life!

NICK

(hurt)

God, why me?...When I first saw you on the news, I never thought I could love a weather girl, or any girl so much.

(he whines)

I waited outside the station for hours while the rain was coming down in sheets!

ELIOT

Nick, nothing happened. I used to be in love with her, but I'm not any more. And look at me, first time in my life, I'm happy!

-84-

NICK

(still whining)

What do you know about happiness!?

MELINDA

(to Eliot)

I think this is the first day of his life that he's ever been depressed.

ELIOT

Second day, 16 years ago he had a dog named Major that ran off. How's it feel to be sad, golden boy?

NICK

(almost in tears)

Major. Why'd you have to bring

him up? He was just a puppy and-

(tries not to cry,

confronts Eliot)

It has been such a long time since I gave you a good beating.

ELIOT

Oh, just try it!

MELINDA

(steps between them,

shakes Nick)

Nick, I love you. I want to be with you forever, we both care about your brother. Do you think you could tease him all his life and expect nothing bad to ever happen to you? It's not his fault he was a chronic sexual zombie, simply because after you were born, there weren't any good looks left!

ELIOT

(to Melinda)

Hey, you said I wasn't bad looking, even when I was fat!

MELINDA

I was being nice!

NICK

You're still short and bespecticaled. I coulda been a movie star! You -

-85-

MELINDA

God, your whole family is misguided by delusions!

ELIOT

I still got dreams!

(turns to walk away)

Why am I even listening to two people who choose to live in...Los Angles?

Nick falls into a chair and continues sulking.

NICK

Eliot's right, but God, why me?

Eliot opens the front door to exit when Jacquie enters, her doctor coat slung on her arm. Eliot stands in the door way, Nick stands back up.

JACQUIE

Hey, Eliot.

(slips past him)

Hi, I saw your car, how are you two?

NICK

Oh, couldn't be better.

Nick steps toward Jacquie; then to her surprise, he leaps at Eliot and throws him to the floor, knocking over a chair. Eliot springs up, steaming mad, ready to attack Nick.

But they pause for a moment when they notice Grampa's old friend Spanky peer his head in the half open door. He enters waving a video cassette. He is dressed in colorful vacation type clothes.

SPANKY

Hello, folks. Finally back from Florida. Thought I'd challenge Eddie to a new game. It's called "Holocaust."

NICK

Haven't you heard? Grampa's gone.

SPANKY

(walks to TV)

Mind if I set up and play a few games till he gets back?

-86-

NICK

No, he's...

SPANKY

No, you don't mind, OK.

(he sits at TV)

NICK

He's gone, passed away.

SPANKY

What, he'll be gone all day?

Spanky casually sets up the game, makes himself at home and begins to play. He remains for the duration of the scene, oblivious to any action in the foreground.

While Nick is distracted, staring in disbelief at Spanky, Eliot tackles him. They tumble to the floor, knocking over an end table. Melinda jumps in and grabs Nick, while Jacquie pulls Eliot away. The brothers are not playing, they are genuinely enraged and ready to fist fight.

MELINDA

BOYS!

ELIOT

(putting away glasses)

You used to beat me up twice a week. Try it now, buckwheat! You've gone soft, inside and out!

JACQUIE

Hey, what is wrong?! You'll break something. I can fix bones, not furniture!

ELIOT

Come on outside!

Eliot pushes away from Jacquie and eagerly slips out the front door, followed by Nick, who is just as eager, followed by Jacquie and Melinda who are not. A few seconds later Rita enters from the kitchen. Walter is right behind her.

RITA

I heard something break.

WALTER

Don't change the subject! What do you mean, I write like I know how, but I don't know how to write?

-87-

Jacquie pops her head in the front door.

JACQUIE

The fights moving! Eliot's chasing Nick down the street!

(she pops back out)

RITA

What the...?

WALTER

(ignoring Jacquie's message)

I realize I'm falling apart. Why haven't you tried to stop me?

RITA

Stop you? I'm with you. You've taken care of me since I was 19. Write your little epics, go to Belgium. I'll stay with you. Yes, I almost found myself in the company of another man. I wanted to, but I didn't and I won't! Because I can't let almost 30 years with you be yanked away simply because I got bored!

(she cries)

All of my 20s, all of my 30s, you used to invite on walks around the block, we'd hold hands like teenagers. The smile on people's faces, from porches and windows, "There go the Furlongs. The husband is the nutty one."

(she stops crying)

Oh, how can I stop you from falling apart, when I wanted to fall in love with a nut?

WALTER

Why haven't you told me about my writing? You said my work was childish, yes, but bad?

RITA

Because I wanted you, in the beginning, all for myself. God, you had promise, you would have gone somewhere if you continued to improve. But physically you've never gone away from

(more)

-88-

RITA(cont)

here, hardly ever. You were never a pilot or a lumberjack or anything other than a damn good teacher. You stayed here with me where you belonged! And now how could I be one of those people that just "moves on!?"

Walter walks to his desk and begins to hurl papers into the air.

WALTER

I'm a little man, Rita, with giant hopes that vanish in the mail. Pages and pages of big far-away places that amount to little, that are yanked away! I've created large cities, worlds, and all I do is keep getting smaller!

Walter clutches a crumbled handful of papers and drops to his knees. Rita kneels down and tires to help him.

SPANKY

(to himself)

Oh, no, my laser's jammed and the Fuehrer wants mass extermination!

RITA

Oh, darling, it's OK to have a passion for your hobby. I used to love your pretending, living each day like you were off to see the wizard. Well, don't you think it's about time you came home?

WALTER

I've ignored you. Can't you see I've stopped loving you, I don't love anyone. Why can't you leave me?

RITA

(holding him tightly)

For better or worse, well it couldn't have got any better than it used to be. So shut up, I love you, it's OK.

WALTER

I'll be all right.

-89-

Both on their knees they hug each other tightly and don't let go. Gradually Walter rises and regains his composure. Suddenly Herb rolls through the front door, bursting with excitement.

HERB

You missed it! You missed it! There hasn't been a good fight

in this neighborhood for so long.

(sounding like a sportscaster)

It was unbelievable! Eliot flew over the Wilson's oleanders and tackled Nick. They wrestled into Stan Smith's rose garden. He was watering, so he hosed the two boys down.

(chuckles and shadow boxes)

Nick stung Eliot with a right; had him up against the white picket fence! It was like they were gladiators, thrust together and divided by brotherhood. Eliot came to life like a wounded raging bull, fighting not for his life, but for his past. A tormented scholastic past, shadowed by the majestic record of his older brother!

WALTER

Damn it Herb, just tell us what happened!

HERB

Nick opened the brow over his opponent's eye. While Eliot gave him a bloody nose and a puffed up jaw.

RITA

Oh, my Lord.

HERB

Oh, they're all right. Eliot finally knocked out his brother. Bam! Nick was down for the count, sprawled out behind the Anderson's station wagon.

WALTER

(surprised, somewhat pleased)

Eliot won?

RITA

You're kidding?

-90-

HERB

Yup. He's been lifting weights...couldn't you tell?...Well, I'm late for work, but it was worth it...What a fight!

Exit Herb out the back door. As he leaves he continues to talk to himself, raving about the fight. Through the front door Eliot and Nick come staggering in, supported by Jacquie and Melinda.

The brothers have a little blood on their faces and are scratched up. Their clothes are ripped up and they are dripping wet. But neither is seriously hurt.

ELIOT

(beaming like Rocky)

Yo, I did it!

NICK

(rubbing jaw)

Mom, Dad, Eliot beat me up. Darn, I better start respecting him a little.

ELIOT

He was out, limp along the Anderson's station wagon.

Eliot and Nick pat each other on the back and shake hands.

ELIOT

I'm sorry I put you in a tizzy having a crush on your wife.

NICK

Yeah, well, I'll vomit about it later...Let's clean up.

Eliot and Nick exit by the hallway assisted by Jacquie and Melinda. Walter grins and puts his arm around Rita.

WALTER

Rita, can you imagine that?

RITA

(smiling back)

People change, dear, people change.

*91*

WALTER

(nods)

Oh, by the way, what's Spanky's real name and who the hell let him in?

They look at Spanky still glued to the TV and force themselves to laugh.

Then through the open front door a new character appears; toting a handsome looking brief case. He is black, in his 30s and dressed in a very expensive looking business suit. His appearance is studious and worldly; almost larger than life. He is RICHARD WINDSTONE. A scholar and best selling author.

RICHARD

Excuse me, good afternoon. Isn't this the Furlong residence? Of course it is.

Walter is shocked by the visitor. Richard recognizes him and gives him a warm handshake.

WALTER

(delighted)

Why it's been ages. You've heard of my number one former student.

RICHARD

(equally delighted)

Thank you. Why am I here? Well, events have occurred that made me decide it was time I call upon the man who two decades ago, took me by the hand and introduced me to dialogue, episodic exposition and limited omniscience...

(to Rita)

You see, I'm Richard Windstone.

RITA

Oh, the nice young man with the best sellers and all those awards?

RICHARD

(nods)

Unfortunately after my family

moved back to the East Coast, I

have not been back to these parts...

*91-B*

Richard glances around and paces about the room. He is a New York socialite who hangs out in fifth avenue apartments and upstate estates. These days he rarely makes appearances in middle class homes. Especially those cluttered with out of place western artifacts and an old man glued to a video game.

Richard tries to be polite but his distaste for the odd decor and the commoness of the room can't be masked.

RICHARD

Mister Furlong, I've been trying to reach you, but it seems your phone's disconnected. And all the letters over the years aren't enough. By the way, you're much too old now to be in the habit of lassoing people, aren't you?

WALTER

(slightly offended)

What, you think I might be slowing down?

RICHARD

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm the one that is slowing down. I've always been forced to travel some, what with my lectures, researching books and such. However, recently I've helped found a small publishing house in New York.

WALTER

Oh, and you've come to see me?

RICHARD

(nods)

I began to realize I've been destaining the modest genesis of my fairy tale success. So I caught a plane out west, thinking no time could be better than the first day of school. The taxi dropped me off, I'd planned to break in on your class. Thought I might tell your new pupils about how my family had been among the first "negros" to move to Eden Park.

WALTER

Oh, heavens yes, remember the controversy, parents arguing?

*92*

RICHARD

Indeed. While the rest of the faculty bent over backwards to be nice to the bright little well dressed colored boy. They treated me like I was so fragile. You, Mister Furlong, gave me as much all-out hell as you did your other students.

Walter and Richard chuckle.

RICHARD

I never felt I belonged until I was caught chewing gum in class. You threw that lasso over me and slid me to the front of the classroom! I whined and complained like any other bratty kid.

WALTER

Yeah, and for the first time I had to go in front of the school board!

RICHARD

It was after that I began to be accepted, I made friends. Kids started asking where I got such great clothes.

WALTER

(elbows him)

Yeah, soon you were just another straight A student body president. Ah, about the school...

RICHARD

I was devastated to find our old school had recently been turned into a nursing home. Yet, remembering your house was near, I began to walk toward it, when...Did you know there were two men on your street fighting like cats and dogs?! I went around the block.

RITA

(smiles)

Richard, can you stay for dinner?

*93*

RICHARD

(charming Rita)

Yes, of course, thank you. Although I'll warn you, I have a delicate stomach...And let me say, Mrs. Furlong, the past two decades have been kind to you.

(puts arm around Walt)

You look old enough to be her father.

WALTER

I haven't been getting much sleep.

(a playful threat)

But you're about to see how awake I am.

RICHARD

I'm sorry, Mister Furlong. I flew 3000 miles to discuss business not get tied up into a ball.

WALTER

Business, with me?

RICHARD

I want you to know about the preparation of of my latest book; which concerns -

WALTER

I thought maybe you came here to talk about MY latest book.

RICHARD

I did. Mister - Walt, let's get serious. I read and reread the manuscript you sent me last month.

Richard has a powerful calming influence as if he is now the teacher and Walter the student. He pulls up a chair from the table, takes Walter's hand and sits him down. For a moment Walter believes he may have sold his first book. Richard takes a breath, thinking about what he is going to say.

WALTER

What are you saying?

RITA

Walter, please, he's not here to buy your book.

*94*

WALTER

How do you know?

RITA

Because I read it.

WALTER

(to Rita)

You told him to come here, didn't you?

RICHARD

(puts arm around him)

Listen, I'll be honest, Walter, your book was awful, characters made out of cardboard, dressed in space suits.

WALTER

(hurt)

That's only your opinion.

RICHARD

(takes a breath)

I was 14 when you first let me read your manuscripts. In 1969 after my commencement, I stood right in this very room. Remember what you told me?

WALTER

(sighs)

That you'd have book deal by age 25.

RICHARD

Remember what I told you?

WALTER

A seventeen year old telling ME, I wasn't growing as a writer!

RICHARD

(begins to pace around)

You know back then everyone was running around talking about change, about equality. My family had always owned a successful clothing store. I was a spoiled, arrogant, stuck up intellectual who no one bothered to discipline. My parents let me run wild as if I was an experiment in 1960s Bay Area liberalism.

(more)

*95-A*

RICHARD(cont)

They bought me what ever I wanted just to show white people how much money we had. I had read all the classics by gradeschool. I came to your class room to look down on all of you. Even my black teachers at my old school had given up on me. You saw I had a gift for composition, but no discipline or structure. How many hours did you work with me after school?

WALTER

I did that with lots of kids. You were gifted. I remember I worked forever with one kid, I still had to flunk him three years in a row!

RICHARD

That happens.

WALTER

He was my own son!

RICHARD

(smiles)

Look, I came to offer you some work doing research for me. But first understand something.

WALTER

I don't know why I ever thought I could be...

Walter begins to become distant, melancholy, Rita tries to touch him, he moves away and stares out the window. Richard steps in front of him.

RICHARD

(very sincere)

I'm on the best seller lists because YOU taught me discipline and persistence! Can't that be enough? As I stand here telling you how much I needed you back then. How-

WALTER

(glances at Rita)

Yeah a lot of people USED to need me!

*95-B*

RICHARD

I hate airplaines, I hate California. I dropped everything to come here because right now I need you to know how much I owe you now, how much I love you, right now. Can that be enough? Can that be enough to keep you from falling apart?

WALTER

Damn it, Rita, you did call him!

RICHARD

(put hands on his shoulders)

In 1969 I also told you your sense of description was awful.

WALTER

Hey, I'm the one that-

RICHARD

Well, 13 years later you, you've grown!

WALTER

(a spark of hope)

Really?

RICHARD

Your descriptive passages are superb! Good Lord, you built steel mills in outer space. Your new research methods are exceptional. I'm offering you good money to do research for me and with me.

Again Richard notices Spanky glued to the TV, he is polite and tries not to notice.

WALTER

Research? Why, I'd...

RICHARD

I would be honored. Someone has to go to Europe in my place, then Australia. It would mean interviewing people, but mostly I need vivid descriptions of several places. I would grant you editorship credit...Well?

*end of revision*

WALTER

Yes, I'll do it. Did you hear that Rita, did I hear that? But...hey, I too am afraid to travel.

RICHARD

You'll get over it. Walt, I need you. And judging by your appearance, you need me. I can draw you up a contract this minute. And we'll get you some new clothes.

Richard and Walter shake hands. Rita kisses Richard on the cheek.

RITA

Thank you.

RICHARD

I'm happy to give him a job.

RITA

(kidding)

Not that, thank you for buying him new clothes.

She and Richard laugh, Walter does not understand what is so funny. Having cleaned up some, Nick enters from the hallway. He is holding a folded wash cloth over his jaw. Richard is startled when he recognizes Nick.

RICHARD

My, there he is! That's one of them!

Walter starts to laugh and can't stop.

SPANKY

(in terror)

Kids should not be allowed to play with these things!

No, no, not the ovens, no! I smell gas, human flesh on fire!

Spanky pulls away from the video game, rips the cassette out of the machine and starts to stomps on it. Eliot enters from the hallway, he is holding an ice pack on his face.

NICK

(steps toward Richard)

Who's this cat in the threads?

RICHARD

(frightened)

Stay away from me.

-96-

Richard steps away from Nick, Eliot friendly touches Richard's coat.

ELIOT

Hey, is this an Armoni?

Richard steps away from Eliot, and backs up into Spanky while he is breaking for the door. They both startle one another. Melinda and Jacquie enter from the hallway and wonder what is going on now. Walter can not stop laughing.

SPANKY

(while exiting out

the back door)

The Fuehrer! The Fuehrer!

WALTER

Spanky, it's OK. Everything is OK.

The lights dim out.

END OF SCENE ONE, ACT THREE

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO

It is later that same night. Rita is alone on the set, curiously peeking through the front window. Walter enters from hallway, he is carrying a tall stack of books. And has a suit case with him. He has cleaned himself up and his declining behavior has regressed to a pleasant state of contentment.

He is alert and direct. With his hair combed and beard trimmed he now has the appearance of virile writer or painter.

RITA

Hello, I spoke to Spanky's daughter. He's all right. Oh, I like your beard trimmed like that.

WALTER

Thanks, Richard Windstone has made my reservations. When my passport's ready, it's alone across the Atlantic I go.

RITA

Are you sure you can fly? Nowadays they used jets.

-97-

WALTER

No, but I signed a contract. What horrifies me are all the shots I'll need...You know, I'll do better than make a living doing this stint; I could make a name for myself; enough to land a teaching position near here.

RITA

(glad)

Do you mean that?

WALTER

Yes, and I won't quit with my novels, never. Windstone didn't know what he was talking about when he said my characters were made out of cardboard.

RITA

I know. Why are you packed so soon?

WALTER

Richard has a hotel suite in the city, he'll let me stay with him while he does some business; before we fly to New York...So I'm leaving, letting go of you.

RITA

What are you saying?

WALTER

It's time.

(sighs)

We need to get a divorce...

I'll deposit my advance in our account. That will cover the bills while I'm gone. Eliot's promised to take care of the house. Now you can easily handle the financing for your own place.

RITA

Walter, I said I'd stick it out.

WALTER

You did, when I needed you.

RITA

But you need...

-98-

WALTER

Look, I'll always have your love.

More than I could ever give back.

RITA

Are you sure we're not jumping into this?

WALTER

We've known about this moment for a long time. Rita, we were perfect together until the last few years when I started to slip. Then I saw how much more you wanted. And the last thing on my mind became romance.

RITA

It's more than that!

WALTER

I know. But you see no matter

how far away modern transportation

may take me, I'll always want to come back to this very house. The closet friends I've ever had live within walking distance. As a kid with a father like mine, we never stayed any where very long. I've come to terms with how simple I am.

(she touches him comfortingly)

Of course it helped to have Windstone show up. But it was what you said that saved me. Sure we took vows about only death parting us, but living here would have killed you...I realized you wanted out months ago. I had the divorce papers drawn up because I wanted to spare you the guilt. Then when I found out I was going to lose my job I didn't file. I'm ready now...

He takes the papers out and sets them on the table. She examines them.

RITA

How can a contract be terminated after 27 years, just like that?

-99-

WALTER

Maybe people shouldn't be able to. But it's legal...I know eventually I'll meet other women. I want you to live somewhere where you can have your new friends over. Where you can have an entire wall without a western relic on it.

RITA

That's true. But-

WALTER

What happened tonight after dinner?

RITA

Richard simply refused to believe you could still do rope tricks, so you just had to tie him and Nick to a tree!

Walter laughs, Rita is annoyed.

RITA

Nick had just been in a fight. Richard had on a 500 dollar suit and you turned the sprinklers on!

WALTER

Rita, tell me leaving isn't what you really want, swear to me.

RITA

You're not being neurotic or sarcastic?

WALTER

No, I'm OK now. Fighting failure is what made me sink. So no one likes my books, they don't have any taste. But as a teacher, I'm a champ.

(she smiles)

We can't drag this out any longer.

RITA

What about the kids?

WALTER

They know, they understand.

-100-

RITA

(looking at papers,

starting to cry)

You always wanted more, a big career, a giant ranch house someday. Not me. You had no idea how happy I was, how much I loved being here, having your children.

(in tears she hugs him)

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to change.

WALTER

We were there for the best years humans ever had. But it's over. Sign the papers, and file the.

RITA

I will, but I'm frightened.

WALTER

You're scared?! I'll be touching down on a bumpy narrow runway on another continent, wings breaking branches off the trees. But it also excites me. Excites the bejesus out of me...

(she smiles again, he

gathers his things)

I'm going to say good bye to Herb on my way out. Go on, there's nothing we didn't do.

They look at each other for a beat, he gives her a goodbye kiss, then exits out the back door. The set goes black.

END OF SCENE TWO, ACT TWO

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

After a brief pause the lights go back up on the front porch. Eliot and Jacquie are lounging on the moonlit porch. He has a bandaid or two on his face.

JACQUIE

Oh, what an afternoon.

ELIOT

Yeah. Bettcha, Dad woulda tried to tie me to the tree too, but I'm way too buffed.

*101*

JACQUIE

Such changes, Eliot. Look at us, look at you. Now you're stout, bold and brash. I'm certainly what I always wanted to be. We've been on this porch for so long, I've hardly thought of your brother and you haven't mentioned Melinda once.

(they gaze at each other

and move closer)

ELIOT

You'll never get over Nick. What do you care about my having a hard body now, you said looks don't matter!?

JACQUIE

Only because they matter to you! You've finally got some confidence.

ELIOT

That has nothing to do with my body. My brain finally woke up and I've got to follow my heart.

(he gazes at her)

Look at me? Look at you.

JACQUIE

Some conflicts will never be resolved. People just have to love each other.

She moves closer, Eliot leans over as if he might kiss her, then she stands up.

JACQUIE

Isn't it a shame summer's over again. Just like last year, the evenings will grow brisk. The leaves always color up then fall off and pile up everywhere. I've always wanted one of those air-blowers, the kind you wear on your back.

She makes the whine of a small engine and then waves an imaginary leaf-blower.

*101-B*

ELIOT

(amused)

You know, I could never be fond of it, but I have grown used to your nose. And with your hair like that, I don't care how close together your eyes are...I could make it if I went to a foreign med school.

JACQUIE

I know, maybe.

ELIOT

Well, maybe it's not what I always wanted anymore. Maybe I've decided to accept an offer to be a chemist. Dow was crazy about my transcripts.

JACQUIE

You could be an executive in no time, probably.

ELIOT

Exactly...I found that one must grab for all the the moments he can imagine. But while letting go of certain things.

JACQUIE

(she sits back down)

Certain things?

ELIOT

It was only the movies, and advertising. I grew up thinking only "babes" go all the way. Brain washed I was, dreaming of and settling for no less than a Racquel Welch. If I'm ever going to live a normal life, I've got to let go of that...Forever.

They stare into each other's eyes.

JACQUIE

If you settle for less, you'll have more than you've ever had so far. Let go Eliot, let go.

Eliot leans over and kisses Jacquie, at first they are awkward, then it becomes a passionate kiss.

END OF SCENE THREE, ACT THREE

* end of revisions, go to scene four *

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR

The set lights instantly go back up. Rita has exited. Melinda is now spying through the window at the porch. Nick enters from hallway. He also has a bandaid or two on his face.

MELINDA

(excited)

Nick, c'mere. They're kissing, I mean real kissing.

NICK

(jumps over,

takes a peak)

Holy...They're not fooling around, they are fooling around.

MELINDA

All that kid needed to do was face reality. Are you still jealous?

NICK

I don't want to talk about it.

Look, I knew how cruel I was, teasing him; but the world exists on opposite polarities, and survival of the fittest.

I needed to steal his self confidence to feed mine.

(more)

-103-

NICK(cont)

I just had no idea being depressed was so underrated...I've got to spend the rest of my life living with the pain I caused him.

(gazes into her eyes)

Now I must exist feeding on love, pure never ending love.

(he holds her)

MELINDA

(puzzled at him

being profound)

Nick, did you bump your head on that tree?...I do love you. How can we avoid falling out of love in middle age?

NICK

It'll never happen.

MELINDA

Everybody says that! Are you too self absorbed to notice your parents are breaking up?

NICK

Everyone is still going to get together for weekends, same as always. But ya gotta keep "movin' on."

(sings)

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

They kiss, Melinda starts to tickle Nick.

MELINDA

I saw you blink.

NICK

What?

MELINDA

I saw you blink and twitch. You were never out, you took a dive behind the Anderson's station wagon.

NICK

If I hadn't, he'd never let a holiday pass without trying to

(more)

-104-

NICK(cont)

out-duke me...Oh, I'll tell ya, little brother is pretty fast, but I'm still the blur.

(sings)

Feelings, whow, whow, whow feelings...

(switches songs

without missing a beat)

And I'll take with me the memories to be my sunshine through the rain, its so hard to say good bye to yesterday.

The set lights dim out while he sings.

END OF SCENE FOUR, ACT THREE

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR

The porch light reappears on Eliot and Jacquie, necking.

ELIOT

I would have done this sooner if I knew you kissed so well without a retainer in your mouth.

JACQUIE

Look at us.

(looking into the night)

Look at this place, this street, except for the cars, it looks about the same since before our teeth were straightened. Now that I've been back all summer, I realize, who would want to leave? I'm going to stay on at the hospital after my residency, and I'll always want to take care of my father...

(faint sound of Nick singing)

...Hear that, singing?

ELIOT

The sound of my heart. Is this what being content is like? This...Is this the American Dream? I've lived it and didn't even know it?...Look off in the night.

Eliot gazes off stage and points. He makes a faint horse whinny sound.

-105-

JACQUIE

Huh?

ELIOT

(mimes a rifle)

I smell a camp fire. Why it's the Dark Riders! The band of thieves, they're hole up in the Dugan's motor home! They want to take what we're worked for away. My Winchester cocked and greased!

JACQUIE

(laughs, mimes a blower)

I'll blow them away and burn 'em.

ELIOT

When the morning sun is in their eyes, we'll pick 'em off, the Dark Riders, one by one; until the nights are always this calm.

They kiss again. The sound of Nick singing gets louder.

Lights dim out. Applause.

THE END

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